It has been a while since i have been on these streets, writing somewhat took a back seat while i was making attempts to fix myself and what is broken in my life.Little did I know that trying to do so will see me get hurt even more, rejected even harder and shown the door more than ever.Glass objects are better off left broken and shattered, trying to mend them can leave you with deep cuts from pieces you missed. This is one lesson I have learned the hard way.
I have been advised to write more, express how I feel and how i have been feeling all along. That scares me because i do not have much of happy thoughts to share and my past has not been all sunshine and roses or anything close to it.
I have been advised to pay less attention to those ho see the negative in everything i write and focus on those who get inspired and motivated to do something about their gloomy past.
I have been encouraged to laugh more, smile a lot and walk tall.
After losing everything, after a few people i had grown to call friends turned their backs on me, robbed me of my happiness, broke my heart and lied in my face.... I somewhat broke down and shut down. I got numb, lost hope, gave up on life and took up drinking. Occasionally, i would take to the streets, shoot random people and moments, chase sunsets and watch happy people go around minding their own business. I have lived a life full of self pity, not because i am weak or can not think for myself, but because i had allowed people to walk all over me and abuse my kindness. I was raised with simple principles, I was told "Ungaphindiseli okubi ngokubi" ( an eye for an eye will leave everyone blind). I wish i was taught how to react or act when i am done wrong. Knowing God is there to avenge me was not enough for God lives not on this earth nor does He smite others on purpose knowing He loves us equally, as sinful and spiteful as we are towards each other.
That is how most people who never took time to ask me who I am or where i am from never understood why I had never tried avenging myself or managed to walk away from situations that any man would have seen red and took up arms.
Those who hurt you do so with an intent to see you become a bitter person like them. Those who hurt you on purpose are a reflection of where they come from. They are close friends, family friends or blood relatives. David did nothing to his brothers but he was hated upon nonetheless. Having a heart of gold, he did not give up on them nor did he seek to exert revenge. When he finally made it and survived the pain of being betrayed by his kind, he kept his heart pure and void of grief,anger and revenge.
This is what I have been reminding myself of late: (1) People will be attracted to you not because you have an abundance of wealth, but because they see in you what they do not have. The goodness of your heart will not be enough though though. They will demand more, question you and try to break you and steal your happiness.
(2) Love will not be enough to keep those you open up to and decide to love.Less women out there can appreciate a man who has nothing in hand but ambition and purpose. These two attributes have long been forgotten because most people have confused financial freedom and academic qualifications as measuring tools for compatibility.
(3) People will give up on you, turn their backs and talk ill of you. They will remember your flops and mistakes more than they will remember the amount of good you have done from the bottom of your heart without any expectations of reward or acknowledgment. Yours is to not seek approval from anyone, yours is to not give up on yourself and the dreams you have. Yours is to walk tall and always remind yourself that "you have tried". You didn't sit and waited to be spoon fed. You didn't stay down when you got knocked down. You didn't give up on love when she/he walked out on you. You didn't give in, you held on to him/her when his/her life was in ruins and he/she was trying to find his/her feet again.
Upon realizing where I have been, where I can be and how great life can be....I have decided to take it upon myself to be the change I dream about and work for the dreams I dream about.
Life will never be everything we intend it to be. That doesn't mean we should not make an effort to make it half of what we wish it could become.
My name is Sthembile Ngcobo.
I will be sharing my life's experiences with you and working towards fixing you like i am working towards fixing myself.
Easter Greetings to you and yours. Looking forward to giving life another shot.
