Refusing to let go.....

The 11th of May.....a day most people celebrate their mothers. A painful day for me. As i sit and read lovely comments and posts sent by friends to their mothers, I can not help but wonder how my life would have been if she were still alive.
Each year, i try and remember as much as i can about her. From her facial features to her small structure and voice. Her voice is what i try not to forget the most. Her eyes and tiny hands ( compared to mine,I dare say they were tiny)
I try remember doing laundry with her after school. Teaching me how to wash my socks and school shirts. Teaching me how to say "please" and "thank you". How to never pass anyone older than me without saying "Hello" or offer to carry thier luggage.
She was a bit shot, small body structure, her friends tell me she walked with a smile on her face, even when she was bothered, you wouldn't tell until she spoke and you heard her speak. Her trmbling voice would betray her when she was not alright. I guess i take after her in many ways.

"Flowers don't die,they leave behind seeds from which they will be reborn from"

My last conversation I can recall with her was a bit too emotional than any other days. She asked me if i still remember all the lessons she taught me. She teased and made me laugh and told me I was handsome. The last words I said to her were: " I will never stop smiling" She smiled back and said she was tired....little did i know that was her way of saying goodbye.
Years have gone by......feels like it was just the other day when she would chase me around the house with one of her flip flops because i had forgotten to wash my socks or came home late or was seen playing in a dangerous environment.If not that, she would lure me to her with a box of sweets or food.....once totally comfortable, she would casually ask: "Ubuyaphi" (where have you been). Instinctively, I would freeze and I would hear myself taking a gulp. I knew then what was to come. Either I would get my ear pinched or I would be told to go pick up my own rod she would use to hit me with. If i picked a small flimsy one, she would pull out her leather belt and use it instead, followed by both ears being pinched. If i picked up a harder rod, she would hit me once or twice before seeing the pain in my face and stop. That would be followed by a plate of food with a generouse portion of meat and she would cuddle me to sleep.
As harsh as i thought she was to me, I amglad she was stern and strict.

As i grew older, I realised how much on an impact she had in my life. All the other mother figures that helped raise me either had most of the characters she had or they added on all the virtues she had taught me.
When i see her in my dreams, I try to prolong the dream and get as much detail from it as i can. When I miss her, I don't allow myself tobe sad, but i try to celebrate her.
When she passed away, life changed. Things got bad for me, I got mistreated, i got sidelined, rejected and thrown out by those from my father's side. I hardly remember a time when I was happy. After it sank that she was never going to come back, I gave in and allowed the bad treatment to continue with no one to cry to. It all became a part of life. I accepted things as they were but never forgot what i was taught.
I salute you young woman raising a child by yourself, unlike those who want to share responsibilities and run to courts to force men to be part of their children's lives. I applaud all men out there who know what it means to be a father to someone.
Things might not be as one would have wanted them to be, but life continues and it has to be lived. To the women of the world celebrating this day: May everyday be a reminder that you are queens and pillars of strenght.
To all those raising children that are not theirs, I hope you are told each and everyday how special you are.
It is not easy being a woman. It is made even harder when children are introduced.



It is not easy being a young man who got robbed of his mother's life and love at a very young age either.
Memories is all that I am left with.
" The sun never sets, it only gives way to the night to show the world how many beautiful stars there are up there. One of those stars is you. Your memory"

"The sun never sets, it only gives way to the nightso that we can see all the stars watching over us"