I am

I am my own choices

Welcome to September, the beginning of spring to many. A season characterised by birds chirping, flowers blooming, love sprouting, longer and warmer days/nights. It is a new beginning for many hopefuls and lovers of love and everything beautiful. It is a new beginning for young souls and those young at heart. It is a time where everyone exhibits traits of starting afresh, traces of old flames that were almost obliterated by woes from since the year began getting rekindled. The air is filled with hope, joy, laughter and new beginnings.

Welcome to September, a month most South Africans dedicate to everything cultural and colourful.

We showcase our diverse heritage in many ways. Through our bright colourful attires, to our diverse form of dance and song. Our voices can be heard from many miles away when we are gathered in song and celebration. We give wholeheartedly, love endlessly and unify in song and dance. 

It is a month where we celebrate all that is valuable to us, from our core values (discipline, respect and integrity) to our women, cattle, history and heroes celebrated world wide. We celebrate the end of winter and welcome summer. We till our lands, marvel at the beauty of our rolling hills, flat lands, wetlands, wildlife and sunsets. We remember ourselves for who we were and hope to change our circumstances for the better.

I should be more than song and dance. I should be more about celebrations that are more inclined towards achievements beyond my cultural comfort zone. I should be financially stable, I should be financially savvy/educated. I should be educated and speak languages understood by the world. I should be able to communicate business, diversity, progress, connectivity, collaborations, development and investment without having to be shy/turn my back on my cultural upbringing.
I should be more than a man.
I should be vocal on matters relating to women abuse, ill-treatment of the elderly, the injustices faced by the defenceless, the young girls and the less educated.
I should be all this and more because I believe in the core values passed on to me by my grandfather from his grandfather, who in turn got it from his forefathers.
I should be all this because I understand how creating new cultures without losing track of old ones can help change my world for the better.


I should be all this because I am a young man who believes we need more young&old men who will stand up and be good examples to those who have lost their ways and forgot their ways.
Those who have never knew affection, motivation, encouragement and support.
I should be part of a generation that is looking for and implementing solutions that will rid our communities of all that is currently inconveniencing everyone.
I should be all this and more because I too once never had anything. I know the pain of being limited. I know the difficulties of not having that male figure to talk to, guide and look up to. The frustrations of rejection, condemnation, being cast aside or undervalued, I know it all too well and am not afraid to admit the destruction it can cause to a young man trying to make it out of the location/rural area/difficult conditions.





I pray for the day where we will face our challenges head on, without favour or discrimination against each other for all the mistakes we have made and the time we wasted having fun instead of building towards our tomorrows.
I pray for a day where we will create a culture of unity and prosperity. Where friends will advise each other against bad behaviour/habits and the importance of knowing how to save for tomorrow.
There will come a time where we will unit as men and face our shortcomings and help each other see the impact of our destructive ways.
Instead of condoning bad behaviour, we are ought to be encouraging each other to learn from each other's success, no matter how small our victories are. If we create and promote good habits from an early age, we will eventually raise a nation of even greater men, greater leaders, better men.

"We are our own choices"

As a man, you can not dream of a million rand house and not start working towards building it now. You will not wake up to your dreams without putting effort towards making them a reality. Old habits are hard to kill, best you start forming good habits that will see you prosper instead of habits that will tear your future into tatters. We all want a better life, that life begins with:

(1) Accepting your current situation.

(2) Having a drive to change your current situation.

(3) Rekindling your passion for what you are good at.

(4) Asking the right questions, knowing how to adapt and knowing the relevant people who can help you get your life back on track.

(5)Being determined and disciplined to see yourself through. Determination and Discipline are everything.







"We are our own struggles..... A stumble in your path should not be the end of your journey."

Taking each day as it comes.

Learning to Let go

- Picking up the Pieces -

There is no time better than the time where as a young adult, you accept and acknowledge the following words:

"I have been suppressing a lot of emotions. Not consciously or willingly, but the truth is staring right back at me, reminding me how I have become that which I feared the most: a young adult who has not made it to where he/she planned to be at his/her current age. It is time I face the reality of the pain I have been running away from for all these years, pain that I have been afraid deal with."

As a young adult, trying to keep abreast in life and stay afloat, I have decided to look back at what I have not been doing right and come up with possible solutions that will enable me to overcome my grief, forget my regrets and start all over again from the bottom up. Being able to deal with the past negative emotional moments and frustrations seems like a good place to start. This will ensure that I move forward with no baggage from my past weighing heavy on my conscious. That is where I will start to rebuild my life. I am reminding myself that, doing so is not a sign of weakness or shifting blame to my father, his family or relatives or anyone else who has had a contribution towards the person I have become. Doing so is nothing more but a sign of acceptance and acknowledging that not everything in life will work out the way I plan or would love it to.

With my 3 years experience of moving to Johannesburg, I did not anticipate life to be so hard that I would find myself in tricky and difficult situations. These include: getting caught up in family politics, living on a R200 budget for over  year, facing prospects of living in a squatter camp kind of setup/shanty town or going 2 years, a job that took more than rewarded, manipulative friends, etc.

Amidst all this, I did not give up or look down on myself. Yes, my self esteem dropped, I distanced myself from those who publicly proclaimed "You can not be in my company if your life is not going anywhere". I hid under a rock, dug a hole and berried my shame of not being part of the elite that has made a name for themselves. It hit hard and the blow was nerve wrecking.

 "Things fall apart."

With all that, I made a conscious decision to focus on that which drives me, I reached a point where I told myself that I will no longer run away from my past, where I come from, the pain I have been through or the fear of openly talking about it.

I am at a point where I have come to accept the past for what it is and acknowledge the lessons it has taught me. I am too old to be afraid of facing my skeletons and the unfortunate truths they might come with. Bottling in emotions and frustrations is by far the most dangerous thing anyone can do for themselves, especially a young man growing up to be a different man. How different will you be if you follow on the footsteps of those who raised you without opening up to you about issues that concern you?

If you bottle emotions, you easily create room for depression to sink in and slowly eat away the happiness in you.

That said, it should also be accepted that not having an outlet or means of releasing these emotions can be viewed as a reason why most men bottle their emotions in. There are many other reasons why men cannot talk or do not talk about that which they can no longer deal with emotionally. Fear of being judged or called weak is one of the reasons, but I believe not knowing how to deal/cope with life’s challenges is the main culprit behind men not coping.

I have always told myself that I will figure things out as they come, in the process, reducing myself into such minimal thinking that certain opportunities passed me by without even realising. This level of thinking also created a perception about me that not many people who saw greatness in me liked. It portrayed me as weak person, a person looking for pity from others, someone who wore his emotions and heart on his sleeve. With time, I grew to believe what was said about me. I grew to notice how petty I have become, how easily I would find myself relating my life’s story to anyone who would give me an ear. The intention was always to try and voice out all the bottled emotions and frustrations from years of hardship and difficulties. The results didn’t serve the desired purpose, instead, it portrayed me as a weak individual lost in his woes. That created a reason not try and talk or voice out my frustrations and difficulties.

Once you allow how others perceive or say about you to be true, you unwittingly sign away your life to a way of living that is determined by validation from others. I have been a victim of such for some time and I know that I am not the only one who has been reduced to such levels or that many other young men are suffering in silence.  It is easy to be reduced to a shadow of the person you once were but it takes a lot of work undoing the damage caused and to regain one’s sanity.

As a young man/young woman, I strongly suggest that you find ways of dealing with whatever has been causing you grief. Social media is not the right platform to air your frustrations/emotions, that move will only be met with a large number of following that has never been in your situation or similar situation, thus leading to your intentions of reaching out for help to be distorted or mistaken for an attempt to gain re-tweets and likes. Not taking away that social networks has a strong following of individuals looking to help young men in your position, the difficulty is getting your message through to them on time before the wrong crowd picks on it and gives you feedback that will make you wish you had not voiced out any of your worries.

Without losing track of things or spending too much time recollecting bad moments in life, I urge you to do like I did and start fixing your life. You are responsible for who you eventually become. Bad circumstances in life are there to strengthen you, not to further break you down. There are there to toughen you, not to harden you up or turn you into a horrible person with little or no emotions left in him/her. You are greater than all the sum of mishaps you have ever been through. I say so because you have made it through it all like you were made for it. Subconsciously, you are prepared to face whatever tomorrow may come with. Believe in yourself and stay true to your path. You will never be left behind if you stay/keep in your lane.

"Is it too late to rebuild oneself?"

(This is my parting question to you.)

Learning to let go

I know what is waiting for me

“There is little that I can do to prevent what is coming my way if I continue to ignore the glaring signs and live my life pretending I am different or that I will do things differently once I reach a certain age. I have seen through my father, my uncles and their brothers, how my life can turn out to be like if I keep on ignoring these signs.”

Some wake-up calls come in a form of death in a family and the sudden change in behaviour between family members who cannot tolerate each other. When everyone is gathered to lay to rest a family member, a temporary truce is put into place. Those who hate each other find a chance/moment to put aside their differences and focus on burying the deceased with dignity. At that very moment, silently observing how close your cousins are with their parents and siblings can leave you wondering where did your life go wrong?

Seeing how they support each other, help each other out without having to ask to be helped, how they encourage each other and amplify the good in each other can leave you wanting to be a part of their family.

The pain of having an absent present parent is heart breaking to a boy child, especially when he reaches a stage where he can make sense of his past hurtful moments, experienced in the hands of those he calls family and how they react towards him in the presence of other family members. The most painful part being hearing someone ask his father: “How is your son doing?” and his responds by saying:

“I don’t know, I do not talk to him much.”

As a young man, you will be destroyed by such words. You will be ashamed to call him your father in front of everyone knowing he has subliminally let everyone know how little your growth means to him. Bad memories will cloud your mind and fill your heart with anger and disappointment. At that very moment, you will find yourself caught between a hard place and a rock. Your reaction will subconsciously determine the kind of a man you will become in future.

 

If anger and hate win over your will to do better, you will stand a chance of becoming a bitter person yourself. The pain of watching his brother’s children laugh and interact with your uncle will shatter your heart into many pieces and turn you into a similar version of the man who helped bring you into this world, a heartless man who doesn’t know how to love his own flesh and blood.

As young adults, we are expected to be better fathers yet we are not taught at an early stage how to be better men. Were expected to forget the influence of the circumstances we were brought up under and change to be better versions of our own fathers without having access to them to teach us anything about being a father. It is easy to point out what is wrong in a person but difficult to help that person change for the better. It is easy to want a perfect man, but difficult to contribute towards building one, especially if he has been through a lot in his life.

 

 It is every man’s dream to find a good woman. The kind that is pure at heart, has no child or drama, is well educated and earns well, etc, but it is hard to accept that most of the women today are the way that they are today, because of us men not willing to play our roles as structures of support in their lives. Instead, we cheat on them, abuse and use them for sexual benefits. We see them in the same light as the one broken woman who ended up breaking us in the process. Likewise with absent fathers/mothers, the pain they bring into your life can harm those who had nothing to do with it. The rejection, the many years of being mistreated and subsequent favouritism shown to children

The hurt you cause someone today will end up being grief that the person you have hurt will exert on an innocent soul who had nothing to do with the pain you caused them.

 

“Most elderly people and grown folks complain about the youth of today forgetting they are the ones who raised it.”

A few people will have the courage to break it down to you on how your father/mother/aunt/uncle ended up being the bitter person you see today, even more disappointing is the fact that less will see the need to warn you when you are starting to become like them either. (Truth be told, miserable people don’t want to be alone in being miserable.) We are what we have been exposed to, especially us young men. We are the direct result of how our parents were raised.

“If he was never shown any love or given the chance to be close to his father, how can anyone expect you to be close to him or be a better version of him?”

If you were raised under harsh conditions, how can anyone expect you to be understanding and be a different man? At what stage/age do they think you will wake up to the realisation that you have to start being a better man when you are still trying to understand the reasons for your father’s absenteeism in your life?

I have lived long enough to know where I have gone wrong and where to start fixing my wrongs. I have seen the consequences of my shortcomings and know the kind of results they can have in future if I don’t make an effort to change my path. I will not wake up to a better tomorrow without building one today. I have lived long enough not to be scared to try a different approach to my challenges, live differently and relook all the beautiful ideas I had about life growing up. Happiness is a state of mind. That has been proven to be correct if we were to compare the childhood memories we had v/s how life has unfolded from then, right up to our present day. The visions we now have lack happiness due to the worries and problems we have inherited from absent parenting. Do not allow anyone destroy what you can become by allowing them to live their failed dreams through you.

This might not be applicable to you but it may help you gain a different perspective on how certain men in your life are the way they are.
If you already have a child outside of marriage and you are in your prime, I encourage you to try and be involved as much as you in your child’s life. Put aside your pride and fear of being judged for the mistakes you have made and think about the happiness of your child. Think not about what your family wants or what they think is right for your child. Your relationship with him/her starts with you willing to put your differences aside and getting involved emotionally and physically. You cannot always provide financially but you can fill the void money cannot buy by being present in your child’s life. .

“Be the change you want to see in your life. Never let fear hold you back from learning to let go."

Appreciation of Self.

   "People with positive attitudes are hard to defeat. A mind with              a positive approach to life will never be derailed from             reaching its goals by anything.   "

I got reminded of this by a  simple call to an old friend. It somewhat reminded me how easy it is to be misunderstood. How easy it is to be mistaken for someone who wants to be spoon-fed at all times and doesn't show initiative towards finding solutions to their issues/problems/circumstances.
This made me realize how strong a person I am for not giving up on my dreams and importantly for not dwelling on the past but braving the storms and moving forth. This made me realize how easy it is to be mistaken for someone who is forever complaining about his past or struggles he/she has been through. It also opened up my eyes to how important it is to protect your pain, speak less about it or share your bad experiences with anyone but those who have good intentions and want to see you grow from strength to strength, instead of those who want to know all about your struggles and be quick to remind you about them every time you try to move forward.
I know it is difficult to spot people who want to see you succeed from those pretending to have good intentions. Once you know the difference between the two, it will be up to you to keep away from those who indirectly destroy you and bring you down and associate yourself more with those who have best interest at heart for you.
You have nothing to lose in life except life itself. Be kind to yourself for you are all that you have in this world. Do not be fooled by anyone into believing what they say is your limitation.
Be strong in the decisions that you make or need to be taken, without making any decisions of your own about your life, someone else will. Without making any decisions in life, you will never gain any wisdom.

When you think you have no one to stand by your side, always remember this: You are an individual born with a courageous heart and a will to always stand up after each fall/stumble/blow you receive.

Society dictates that men should learn from an early age how to be strong and unflinching. The cons of that are the mental scars imprinted on a young man's mind as he grows up. Once a a child is broken and conditioned to be unapologetic in getting anything he thinks he is entitled to based on the facts that he is a "man" he will stop at nothing to get what he wants or thinks he deserves.

                                   "It is easier to raise a child into a strong man than it is to fix a broken man."