Learning to let go

I know what is waiting for me

“There is little that I can do to prevent what is coming my way if I continue to ignore the glaring signs and live my life pretending I am different or that I will do things differently once I reach a certain age. I have seen through my father, my uncles and their brothers, how my life can turn out to be like if I keep on ignoring these signs.”

Some wake-up calls come in a form of death in a family and the sudden change in behaviour between family members who cannot tolerate each other. When everyone is gathered to lay to rest a family member, a temporary truce is put into place. Those who hate each other find a chance/moment to put aside their differences and focus on burying the deceased with dignity. At that very moment, silently observing how close your cousins are with their parents and siblings can leave you wondering where did your life go wrong?

Seeing how they support each other, help each other out without having to ask to be helped, how they encourage each other and amplify the good in each other can leave you wanting to be a part of their family.

The pain of having an absent present parent is heart breaking to a boy child, especially when he reaches a stage where he can make sense of his past hurtful moments, experienced in the hands of those he calls family and how they react towards him in the presence of other family members. The most painful part being hearing someone ask his father: “How is your son doing?” and his responds by saying:

“I don’t know, I do not talk to him much.”

As a young man, you will be destroyed by such words. You will be ashamed to call him your father in front of everyone knowing he has subliminally let everyone know how little your growth means to him. Bad memories will cloud your mind and fill your heart with anger and disappointment. At that very moment, you will find yourself caught between a hard place and a rock. Your reaction will subconsciously determine the kind of a man you will become in future.

 

If anger and hate win over your will to do better, you will stand a chance of becoming a bitter person yourself. The pain of watching his brother’s children laugh and interact with your uncle will shatter your heart into many pieces and turn you into a similar version of the man who helped bring you into this world, a heartless man who doesn’t know how to love his own flesh and blood.

As young adults, we are expected to be better fathers yet we are not taught at an early stage how to be better men. Were expected to forget the influence of the circumstances we were brought up under and change to be better versions of our own fathers without having access to them to teach us anything about being a father. It is easy to point out what is wrong in a person but difficult to help that person change for the better. It is easy to want a perfect man, but difficult to contribute towards building one, especially if he has been through a lot in his life.

 

 It is every man’s dream to find a good woman. The kind that is pure at heart, has no child or drama, is well educated and earns well, etc, but it is hard to accept that most of the women today are the way that they are today, because of us men not willing to play our roles as structures of support in their lives. Instead, we cheat on them, abuse and use them for sexual benefits. We see them in the same light as the one broken woman who ended up breaking us in the process. Likewise with absent fathers/mothers, the pain they bring into your life can harm those who had nothing to do with it. The rejection, the many years of being mistreated and subsequent favouritism shown to children

The hurt you cause someone today will end up being grief that the person you have hurt will exert on an innocent soul who had nothing to do with the pain you caused them.

 

“Most elderly people and grown folks complain about the youth of today forgetting they are the ones who raised it.”

A few people will have the courage to break it down to you on how your father/mother/aunt/uncle ended up being the bitter person you see today, even more disappointing is the fact that less will see the need to warn you when you are starting to become like them either. (Truth be told, miserable people don’t want to be alone in being miserable.) We are what we have been exposed to, especially us young men. We are the direct result of how our parents were raised.

“If he was never shown any love or given the chance to be close to his father, how can anyone expect you to be close to him or be a better version of him?”

If you were raised under harsh conditions, how can anyone expect you to be understanding and be a different man? At what stage/age do they think you will wake up to the realisation that you have to start being a better man when you are still trying to understand the reasons for your father’s absenteeism in your life?

I have lived long enough to know where I have gone wrong and where to start fixing my wrongs. I have seen the consequences of my shortcomings and know the kind of results they can have in future if I don’t make an effort to change my path. I will not wake up to a better tomorrow without building one today. I have lived long enough not to be scared to try a different approach to my challenges, live differently and relook all the beautiful ideas I had about life growing up. Happiness is a state of mind. That has been proven to be correct if we were to compare the childhood memories we had v/s how life has unfolded from then, right up to our present day. The visions we now have lack happiness due to the worries and problems we have inherited from absent parenting. Do not allow anyone destroy what you can become by allowing them to live their failed dreams through you.

This might not be applicable to you but it may help you gain a different perspective on how certain men in your life are the way they are.
If you already have a child outside of marriage and you are in your prime, I encourage you to try and be involved as much as you in your child’s life. Put aside your pride and fear of being judged for the mistakes you have made and think about the happiness of your child. Think not about what your family wants or what they think is right for your child. Your relationship with him/her starts with you willing to put your differences aside and getting involved emotionally and physically. You cannot always provide financially but you can fill the void money cannot buy by being present in your child’s life. .

“Be the change you want to see in your life. Never let fear hold you back from learning to let go."