Do i still know the person I once knew

The person I use to be wasn’t what I see in the mirror today.

The person I use to be wasn’t so lazy or pitiful of himself, he wasn’t so less focused on what he once wanted, let alone easily dismayed by failed first attempts.

The person I once knew had the same name as the one I currently see in the mirror, had pride just like the next fool boasting about his meager temporally achievements to a blind man who’s understanding of the financial world is as big and popular as sand to an Eskimo and grazing land to a Hottentot.

The person I once knew, lost himself on his way from home to a world unknown, full of promises and bright lights, beautiful women and fiery intoxicating water.

The person I once knew was no different from the person I once was, all humble and respectful, dedicated and motivated but never introduced to opportunity nor ever bumped onto understanding.

The person I once knew thought OPPORTUNITY was reserved only for those with Degrees, Diplomas and Doctorates, forgetting he has hands, strong shoulders and a dream.

The person I once knew deprived himself of one too many an opportunity and a shot at making his dreams a reality that he  now can’t tell the difference between being optimistic and living in a fantasy world.

The person I once knew, had dreams, ambitions and wishes, and he gave up on all of them.....just like the person I have become.

Having a dream is a good thing, following your dream is even better, but understanding the fundamentals and basics of how your idea/dream or vision works is the key to a living your dream.

Sithembile Cleaopas Ngcobo

Born in Pietermaritzburg to Linda Mbelu and Sipho Ngcobo

Aspirering Photographer

What am I protecting

What am I protecting…….a lot comes to mind whenever I ask myself this and other similar questions. A lot remains unanswered, shoved back to the metronome of my mind. A lot gets obscured and tainted by the immediate satisfaction of the mind and the physical.

Less tend to argue with their subconscious self, let alone reason before acting.  One a many of us have regrets we choose not to amend, let alone learn from.

I ask again, what is it that I am protecting, with all the spikes, barbed wire, high rising fences and barricades of concrete around my house, heart and mind.

If all I see be materialistic, why protect it if it’ll be lost with each new trend? If a house is only made a home by what is within my chest, why entertain thoughts more than feelings.

What am I protecting if I fail to realize that the fears I got can be used as fuel to further my goals and dreams? A friend wrote: “There is certainly an improvement in the quality of life once you’re aware of things that really matter to you”…….Is pride one of those things, is constant comparison one of those things, is regret suppose to be in that list?

What is it that I am protecting with all these defensive systems I fail to utilize to further or improve my life?

Am I in staying because of my kids, reputation, financial security or protecting those older or younger than me? What exactly am I protecting with all these efforts I make which never seem to bring me any comfort or peace of mind?

There is a lot to life than what meets the eye…….protect that which advances you and alters and brings  your life towards realizing your dreams.

It's all up to you.....I have made up my mind!

In a war between good and bad, none seem to win except death……!

In a war of words between hatred and justifying one’s thoughts, actions or motives, none seem to win except grief, defeat and inflated egos.

In a war of life….death isn’t the end but a beginning of a journey into the unknown!

Love your heart.....above all, love the hearts of those you love the most and make the one you loving understand the importance of loving the ones you love more than loving you alone…Before her/him, there were those you called family and friends which are still there for you.

Before he rocked up and swept you off your feet, there were those with lesser of a figure than yours at this point compared to when he met you….Before she rocked up and got your attention and made you do things you hardly knew you could, there were those with the same “gentlemen stances” you show cased back then that made her want to be by your side.....is it still the case or are you still searching for more "germs" to spoil your ego with and prance like a horse before a race on a circular circuit that has no start nor finish line.....?

Know what you are loving and who you are loving…know your heart!

Allow yourself to be eluded by vengeance, anger and mediocre…allow yourself to channel energies bubbling under into perfecting your ambitions or increasing the little wealth you’ve accumulated, allow yourself to be distanced from temptations to whisper this and that about this person and that person and the other person who seems to be carefree of your chit chats about everyone else.

Distance yourself from those who give you props in your face and turn around and say: “ Mbukeni, ucabanga ukuthi ungubani yena?” Distance yourself NOT from those with a gentle heart, a warm hand, a broad shoulder to cry on, a stern tongue every now and then yet have the ability to build you up, stand by you and offer you more than just a helping hand…..!

We all have dreams, no one else’s dream will ever be bigger than the next person’s dream if we stopped comparing them. We are individuals, we stand together in unity as individuals. We shout out against felony in a Unisom , we succeed as individuals but we do not do all that without any support from the next person. Each one teach one to live better, save wisely, invest more time on worthy causes: family, children, work and talents.

Inject some fun into life,not only your life but lives of those you want to share your fun filled life with!

If your financial worth could be taken away, would you still be worth a lot to those whom you think value you?

Wake up call.......

 

Wake up calls come or hit us when we’re least expecting them. We go through life wondering how the next day, hour, minute or second will bring.

Unlike plants and other objects that can be replaced, we only have a single shot at making things work for ourselves, families and those we care about.

When or where do we draw the line though when things get a bit too much or when the going gets too tough? How much can we take from those we love, those we deem “blood brothers” or relatives?

 

Who do we turn to when things take an unexpected turn? What does one do when choices are made for her/him, without any consultation or discussions?

What does one do when he/she finds himself/herself in a compromising situation, where the heart and its abilities to love, accept and forgive is pushed into dangerous terrains?

How do we end up hurting each other to a point where we forget who we fell in love with or the reason why we fell in love? How do we go from being adorable lovers, husbands, wives or family members to being vicious, cold, and inconsiderate beings driven by a yearning to satisfy our wants and egos at other’s expenses?

If tables were turned, would you enjoy the taste of the medicine you dish out?

There is a lot we can do for one other; there is a lot we can achieve by substituting selfishness with selflessness. Without a doubt, we all have been victims of circumstances at some point or so in life, we all have been in compromising situations, got out of them by sacrificing a certain percentage of our freedom, love or individualism.We react differently to certain situations, at times; the help we seek doesn’t come instantly or doesn’t come from those we most expect it from. That doesn’t mean the world would pack up and swallow you whole. Fight for what you believe in, stand for what is right, do not compromise your freedom or your happiness for something less than your worth.

 

I have come to realise and accept that I am not in control of certain things that happen in my life, that some things happen for a reason and that I might never know what the reason is till certain things have happened.

I will no longer fight for what I do not have control over. I have a greater understanding on how most young people turn to drugs, sex, alcohol abuse or end up in the streets with nothing to look forward to. I can say I understand the frustrations of being rejected by family, of relatives turning against you, of grudges from when you were a child being raised and used against you. I can say I have been through most of it, seen and felt the pain and saw deceit staring down at me with a huge smile and poisonous words seeping from a tongue so smooth. I can say I witnessed family distance itself from me, I can tell you about confessions from someone who is supposed to be a father figure and words voiced from anger coming from the one person he should be calling his wife....all that would be visiting and staying in a world with no hope of escaping from. That would be building a house in the past and calling it home. That would be rekindling the flames of hatred and agony that have been burning me alive al these years.

What I can do though is to share the very few bits of happiness I find in taking images, what I can do is share my hopes and dreams with you, help you realise having a positive outlook in life helps with eradicating bad thoughts and negative energies. I can tell you to focus on what makes you happy and use that to keep your sanity.

I can tell you I could be of assistant and avail myself even though we have never met. I can be the stranger God could have sent to give you a helping hand. I can be everything I dream of becoming....only if I allow myself to let go of:

1. Pride
2. Pain
3. Prejudice
4. Procrastination
5. Fear

I urge you to do likewise, invest in yourself, invest in retaining and preserving the good nature you were born with.

The first emotion we ever knew before everything else was that of love. The first act we got exposed to from childhood was that of protection. Remind yourself how life was before life happened and try work towards building similar conditions and share them.

Never give up on yourself, don't let temporal setbacks kill your love for life.

When I'm all grey and wrinkled

The day I grow old…..when my head’s all grey and eyes blurry...

will I be remembered for the good I did, the humanity I showed or the pride I showed with each step I took, prancing like a horse on show,parading my ego and self importance?

The day I grow old, what memories of self would I have, all the blunders I made, will they come back to haunt me?

All the chances I lost out on, will they come back to taunt my mind with “what if’s” and “I wonder where I would’ve been if I had went along and took that risk”.

The day I grow old……would my grand children watch me wither in solitude like a fallen leaf blown into a slow flowing stream?

Will my own flesh and blood resent me for the anger, harshness and negligence?

The day I grow old, what would I have left in this world apart from memories of times we partied till the sun came up, drank till we passed out, only to remember less of the drinking spree or the people we drank with…..?

What legacy am I suppose to leave behind if I have never been introduced to one?

What moral values am I suppose to pass on, do I even know what those are when I am still content with pointing out defects on those I call friends and family?

The day I grow old….,and find myself empty and shallow would,be the day I acknowledge I have lived one too many hours without realizing my worth and potential.

wangishaya kwazwela ngikwethembile

Life and love lost

Time and time again, we hold on to that that evokes emotions we want to hold on to unnecessarily

Time and time again we act in ways aimed to evoke emotions that we thrive upon in order to belong and have an impact.

Love and life lost, lost to guilt, lost to pride, lost to misguided conclusions driven by hearsays and presumptions.

Brothers fight over petty squabbles influenced and fuelled by favoritism, negative perceptions, rumors and selfishness.

Love lost over a life never lived.

Years pass, frictions and cracks surfaces yet moments and emotions linger on, like a defiant mist on a summer’s morning.

Although it might be conquered by the scorching sun, the coolness brought about by dusk and dawn makes it possible for the mist to return once more come the early hours of the day.

Although conquered by the brightness of the day, the stars lose not their beauty for their time to shine always comes…..

Even through cloudy days, the moon’s beauty renders the clouds a silver lining, giving hope to lovers for clearer nights to bask in its beauty as they exchange matters of the heart in a loud silence.

Life and love lost…impossible if there was none to lose in the first place.

Differences will forever be there, faction and fiction will forever have an impact on lives loved and cherished.

Breathing was never meant to be made impossible by the limitations of the brain, why make life hard to manage when we once lived in Unisom?

Fortune favors those unfortunate enough to live through their misfortune and make efforts to turn things around and make do with what they have.

The last hour before dawn is said to be the darkest, could it be as dark as it has been all along inside of me?

Is there an hour darker than the pit my heart has been held captive by its owner?

Is there a void denser in darkness than what my soul has been through?

Where does the light you see radiating in me comes from?

What Faith has guided me to where I am today?

What has been holding me back from spreading my wings and venturing out there?

What has been blinding me all along from seeing you for who you are or who you have been all this time!

Questions asked daily by many with no answers coming forth for part of what we ask about is a spit image of what we have become and have been all along.

Take care of self first before the many…..define your destiny if you dare, live as you wish to be without having to evoke emotions taxing on others in order for you to feel important!

U.N.I.T.Y….what would it take for us to unify….why ask that when unifying with self seems a daunting task….?

Life and love lost over pride, misguided conclusions spurring from hush words whispered in ones ears

Sweeter than honey they are, as bitter as gall are they results…!

Love and life lost….over petty issues affecting us not should we not allow them…!

Love lost……Wangishaya kwazwela ngaphakathi......!

Voices unheard

Song of the voiceless…sung by the deaf to a guitar fine tuned by the blind.

Such can be life…

At first…when things were sweet, joy, love and happiness filled the air everytime your voice sounded.

At first, when all the wild flowers bloomed & blossomed, butterflies and bees hopped and skipped from one flower to the next, spreading your love and affection wherever they went.

At first, your words filled my heart with warmth just like the sun does on a summer’s morning.

At first, the rainbow rejoiced at your sight, your presence brought about all the colors of the world with each smile you shared.

I was your thorn-less rose, perfect in many ways.

Such was life, listening to a song

sung to the deaf over a guitar fine tuned by the blind sung by a mute.

Things changed…..conductors andexpects from all walks of life found fault with each string of my guitar.

Imperfections and shot comings brought about by the many who knew not the song of my heart, gave birth to a change in you.

Questions and misguided assumptions became the end of me

Redemption versus constant scrutiny

Irrelevant questions versus an unchanging change of  heart ring through my head

Such can be life, listening to a song sung by the deaf

Deaf to what the world says; warn and hint about…..leaving one feeling worthless in all degrees.

Eyes wide shut to what the heart sees

Ears glued on the ground; as words spread through the grapevine fly and multiply, evolving ever so sadistically with each interpretation and advice from those who have mastered the art of fine tuning other’s guitars while turning a blind eye to their own music they blatantly ignore to face and dance spread acts of folly long erased from the mind.

Such is a song only your heart and mine understood better than any music conductor could have ever understood

This, being no ordinary orchestral work by any of the world’s greatest, was a song from my deaf soul, sung by my voiceless heart fallen into ears of a world with many a blind guitar perfectionist.

Like a jester in a king’s court, I danced, juggled, fell and crashed…..tryin to dance to a song, sung by the deaf to a guitar fine tuned by the blind who’s keys gave not the note my heart’s song sang in agony of it’s silence.

Like a jester, all made no sense to common perfectionist, imperfections was all they saw.

Like a jester, I look forward to an end of each day full of fools pointing and jeering, rolling back with laughter with each blunder I make.

At the end of each day, wiping off the mask I wear daily, seeing the muffled smile of my heart through a reflection of a soul I have long forgotten kills me a thousand times more than death suffered by a coward who sold his fathers soul for a measly inheritance.

When it is all said and done, prospect of a brighter day urges me on to look forward to yet another day.

When all is said and done…when I finally find my footing and stand tall, revealing the greatness in me, I to shall smile from within and walk tall.

When all is said and done, pride and an dilated ego will not be the end of the humble me I’d have long yearned to be recognized for.

When all is said and done, reaching out to lend you a helping hand won’t come from an attempt or urge to spite you, look down on your shot comings like you did mine, it won’t be coming from an urge to prove a point nor gloat on my new found source of joy and happiness…

It be from sheer beauty of what I call life, humility and compassion.

When all is said and done, the only memories of you that would cloud my head would be those of beautiful moments we had.

When all is said and done, you too will realize we are all humans and no where close to perfection.

Such goes the song for the voiceless

Sung by a blind man to a mute with a guitar fine tuned by the deaf….