Did I fail myself...

“Have I failed myself or has life failed me”

There was a point in time when I wasn’t what you see me as today. A time in history where men (peers and older) would stop dead on their tracks to pass me praises, try their luck to win my heart and attention. Nowadays, they pass me over like a rag doll that has been used a dog’s play toy. Some hardly recognize me, pretend they have never known me, some point fingers and share tales of how they once took turns with me, satisfying their egos and fantasies till they couldn’t raise it no more.

The person you see today wasn’t at all a bad person, less want to know how she became the wretched creature you see today.

You have probably heard of similar stories, you probably have an idea of how this will end or how it took a turn for the worse and resulted in me becoming a drunk, a druggie, a loose woman, good for nothing except spreading her legs wide open for whoever will afford to buy her a fear bottles of alcohol to numb the pain, shut the memories out and have her floating in a dreamy world where all her wishes came true, even if it was a world that never lasted forever, at least it provided me with an escape from what I lived everyday under his roof.

You probably don’t want to hear about this because you yourself have been through similar situations or you are currently living under similar conditions. You probably don’t want to hear or read about it because of the pain it brings you knowing in the afternoon, he might come into your room in the dark, put his hands on you and tell you not to tell anyone or he will throw you out on the streets; he will tell his wife you have been seducing him and asking him to come tuck you in every night when she worked her night shifts; he will tell the family what kind of a demented child you are, always making provocative moves on him and wearing revealing clothing whenever he is around.

You probably don’t want to hear about this because of the period this has been going on for. You never knew at first, but you ended up giving in and not doing anything about it after finding out it was wrong. You feared you’d be asked: “but why didn’t you say something”…… You feared it will shatter families and shame him. You protected the monster that he has become for the sake of keeping nosy neighbors at bay, at your expense and that of the good man who knows nothing about the pain and suffering you have been through or are still going through.

“Do I deserve this”?

“Did I fail myself or has life failed me?”

“What did I do to deserve such a two faced being as a father/uncle/brother/cousin/step brother, etc?”

“Is it my fault, did I Invite this to happen to me?”

You probably have asked yourself some of these questions…you probably know someone who once asked you these questions, with eyes full of tears and pain, confusion and despair written all over her face.

You probably have heard your flat mate pray to God to forgive those who have done her wrong and heard her mention relatives you might have seen coming through to visit her during odd hours of the night/day, and saw how she became once they have left.

You probably know that smart child who went through high school and tertiary without saying much about the uncle who paid her tuition fees but no one has ever seen her at her place whenever there was a funeral.

These are all assumptions, things I think you might be aware of or know.

To you, they might be just stories, to me though; it has been a dark reality I have been living since I knew what puberty was.

To me, they have been a reality I have been subjected to since my father passed away and my step mother remarried.

To me, this has been happening for as long as I could remember, to a point where I have learnt to live with it.

At first, I would wonder why certain women drank so much, dressed so seductively, drove expensive cars and had successful careers yet failed to sustain a stable relationship. I would wonder if they might have went through the same phases of life as me, I would wonder if they also got traumatized by the molestation they went through, the repeated rapes and how families protected those who violated them.

I am a woman who gave up the fight and opted for the easy way out. I am a woman who is ashamed of what she was put through, I am a woman who cannot face herself today, let alone look into the mirror and recognize the person staring back at her. I am a woman who allowed him to throw all the punches, endured the verbal abuse, the scorn and sexual abuses daily. I am the woman who allowed her future to be trampled upon and discarded like spit in the gutter.

My time might have come and gone, my habits to shut the pain out might have consumed me and left me finding it difficult to distinguish between what is real and what was a figment of my imagination.

I am no heroin; I have no great stories to tell. I have no accolades to show off. I have no children who are proud to call me “mother”. I hardly remember what it feels like to know affection.

What I am is a woman, who was robbed of her beauty, childhood, virginity, pride and freedom to choose.

I am a half the woman I wanted to become; thanks to half the man I have come across, who’s other halves were nothing close to even being described/called human. They were all monsters, and the few with golden hearts, I have hurt, fearing they would hurt me first like the rest have done previously.

I am an empty shell of what I used to be.

 Have I failed myself or did life fail me?

Did I bring this upon myself?

There is a lot that is not right in our country, there is a lot we haven't addressed or openned up to, let alone acknowledge that it happens. Abuse knows no colour, abuse knows no financial differences, culture or religion.

Us men, are the cause of sexual abuse, us men enjoy sexual favours and think we are entitled to them at whatever time, us men are the cause of so much pain and we act/carry on as if it is a norm.

I wrote this with a lot of women in mind, strangers, close friends and family. I wrote this hoping it will encourage women all over the world to speak out, that it will encourage the few good men left out there to talk to others and try change other men's mindsets and certain believes regarding how women should be treated.

We owe it to ourselves to change the world to be what we want it to be.

You will never know the next person's pain untill it happens to you, don't wait to become a statistic before considering taking action!

Breaking out......

Humility……

It has been a long while since I have had the will to pick up a pen and paper and jot something down, tease my brain and force it to embrace reality.

Truth be told, I have been lazy to write about what I see, feel and experience each and every day . Instead, I have been relying on my images to convey all these feelings & emotions, thoughts and perceptions I have about life.

I have been bottling a lot of things inside. Emotions, thoughts, ideas and advice, mainly because I didn’t know how to voice it out, maybe because I feared I’ll be judged, maybe I was afraid my words would fail me and end up sounding like one of the many loud empty voices or I’d be seen as another “opinionated smart black”.

Being the impulsive person that I am, I decided to spend this year’s Easter weekend on the road. Started off by accepting an invitation to attend an exhibition in Jo’burg….Gauten, Maboneng, where every man’s dreams and fantasies are made possible. I went there with nothing to lose but a lot to gain. I saw what I am losing out on, I saw the smiles, heard the laughter and experienced the support for visual arts a lot of people have in that side of the world.

 I got reminded that there is nothing holding me back from exploring, I got reminded how good it felt to make a sale and see the authentic smile on a satisfied client’s face, I got reminded of how good life can be if one learns to let go of everything not worth worrying about and focus on the positive aspects of life, little or not. Such a mindset is bound to make you have the most out of the little that you have.

I found myself discussing my pros and cons with a friend of over 15 years, I discovered habits most people didn’t like about me but they have never had the guts to tell me in my face and these I wasn’t even aware of. I found out how annoying I can be, I found out how supportive I can be and how I give whole heartedly without any expectation of rewards of any sort.

I found out how I can better myself, how I am already on the right path to success but still fear embracing that.

I got offered opportunities; I got introduced to people doing it on their own without much help from their parents or affiliations. I saw how picking up a phone and making that call could yield positive results. I discovered what it means to throw oneself in the deep end and swim as if one has been swimming for ages. I shared ideas, shared perspectives and had my bit of contribution heard.

I made bad calls, forgot to make a few follow ups and disappointed friends along the way, all in all, it wasn’t intentional but it happened and there is less I can do to change that. What I can do though is invest more in me, introduce new means of stamping my foot down and saying no to doing favors and taking demands from people who aren’t willing to acknowledge what I can do and keep on getting better at.

This past weekend, I got introduced to a life without fear, a life full of opportunities, a life that requires one to work for the rewards, one that needed one to get out there and let the world know who he is and what is he about.

I got re-introduced to T.D Jakes…I got reminded how bad as a young man I have had it, I got reminded how much frustration I have been going through and how bad friends have added on top of that without me complaining, least I got reminded that men don’t cry or that men don’t whine.

I got introduced to a film maker from Chiawelo (Shawelo) in Soweto. The very same person who has been giving Metro cops from Jozi a headache with his efforts to make Spinning and drifting a legal sport in South Africa as a whole. I heard his story, heard about the movie and felt the passion behind each word he shared and understood what it meant to not look at where you come from but focus on where you want to be one day. It isn’t much about the way you start the race, it is how you participate during the race and how you finish that counts the most.

I shared a couple of photos in a brief morning meeting and immediately got introduced to words that went along with how I had portrayed what I had seen miles away from the person who made the song. I got introduced to a different side of Kabomo, heard him sing as well as rap, something I didn’t know much about. I know he is huge and got humbled to see how this rapper guy had thrown himself out there so that he could be heard and do collaboration with him.

I got held up in a road block that we had feared and hoped we would avoid till we get home. I got reminded how the power of thought and tongue could help “predict” or bring into fruition what you have told yourself will happen.

Humility……

This past weekend taught me how humility could open doors for you. This reminded me that life is not a sprint but an indefinite marathon that can end at any point and in any way!

“Humble yourself all the time, but never stoop so low that people ‘mistake’ you as their door mat”

Stay true to yourself, don’t let success change the being you were initially or allow greed to overcome your innocence. We are want to be heard, we all want to be appreciated, acknowledged and commended for the good that we are. Problem lies with how go about getting all this and how we react to negative results/outcomes.

We fear rejection, we loath those who shine brighter than us without putting much of an effort, we hate asking and fear sharing, least those we share with supersedes us and outshine us.  These and many other factors determine the beings we become, these shape and moulds us to beings we never wanted to become or ever dreamed of becoming. These can either make you the exemplary being, a beacon of light and an inspiration to generations to come or they can make you but leave you feeling empty inside, with nothing to hold on to or share with those close to you.

Respect your fears, acknowledge them but never allow them to restrict you from growing and reaching your goals.

It takes guts and courage to live life and make it in life. How you define: “ I’ve made it” is entirely dependent on how one sees himself/herself in years to come, could be 2 years, could be 10, etc….Without putting  effort, all those dreams/aspirations will never come to fruition. Growth will happen physically, change will be seen and acknowledged but mentally, financially and spiritually, we would be less developed.

When you are old and grey, with your strenght failing you, how would you want to be remembered?

Resolutions...

Resolutions

Just like promises, we make them, break them, try and revive and live up to them only to forget them as soon as our old habits kick in.

Some resolutions are good on paper, good to hear and talk about but hard to maintain or keep up with. Some are harder to believe that they could be achieved till we apply ourselves, commit to them and work on making them a reality.

Just like promises, we sometimes forget about our resolutions till round about this time of the year. We look at our bank balances and hope our bonuses will compensate for the year’s savings blown on expensive clothes, alcohol, nights out with strangers we don’t know and might never see, strip clubs, fishing trips, house parties and luxuries of this world that deplete in value the moment we take them home, etc…..

We are less disciplined at heart to stay fast on our targets, too weak in mind to develop a back bone and say no to temptation, we easily lose hope when storms tests our fate. We get carried away easily.

Resolutions, just like the words: “ I love you”, said from a heart driven by lust, they are made easily and fade as easily as they were made, only to be remembered when it is too late to achieve goals set for that year, month, period of time.

We are passive when it comes to seeing the “bigger picture”, but impulsive when it comes to living for the now and knowing there will be another month end to look forward to and take from to cover daily expenses or commitments that should have been taken care of right there and then. We depend more on what comes easily to us, not seeing that, by doing so, we enslave our minds with chains of placidness, dependency and corrode our ability to think outside the box and utilize our potentials effectively.

We are quick to say “I will never do that again…” “I will never drink that much again”, “I will never allow myself to be abused like that or taken advantage of ever again.”

We are quick to look at health magazine and vow we’ll get that summer body come “next year December”, forgetting that before reaching that goal, we first need to train our minds, discipline our hearts and know how to stare temptation square on the face and say: “I have made up my mind, I know where I want to be come this time next year”.

We get new jobs, salary increases and all that and think our problems are over, forgetting that managing one’s fiancés is a daily exercise, one that doesn’t need one to be really as good as accountants, but to be as disciplined as a monk who has taken a vow never to talk, curse or do certain things in life the same way he used to.

Make everyday a new year, make every evening a day to reflect on what you have set yourself to do when the year started instead of waiting for the year to end.

Set your goals, Review and Restructure them as the year goes. Refine them and enjoy life as it happens.  This is part of my resolution for the next year…what is/are yours? Will they be attainable? Are they practical, will they change your life and way of thinking?

What are resolutions when life becomes harder and changes with each passing day?  To me, they make my world go round, they are what I live for, a reminder of what I’d love to achieve in life.

The reason why I am…..

The reason why I am…..

“I am what I am not because of my circumstances, or where I have been through and what I’ve been through, but because of what I chose to do with how I wanted to leave yesterday and live in the moment hoping tomorrow will be better and brighter.

I am who I am not only for who I know, who I have known or associated myself with, but for what I learned from those I’ve known, still know and have been associated with.

I am my father’s son, his pride and joy, his right hand man in everything he does.  The apple of his eye.

I am my father’s disappointment, his shame to the world, the black sheep of the family, the apple that fell far away from the tree.

I am what I am not because I wasn’t shown any love, not because I was a step child, not because of what happened between his family and my mother’s family, but because I chose to be like this. I am responsible for who I am, what I have become and the repercussions of the choices I have made.

I am the person I was set to be (fate), I am the results of my faults (future, present and past), I am my achievements (small or huge, there are a part of who I am) I am my ambition, be it that I’ll make it within the next year or 5 years, whichever it might be, my ambition will be a part of me and a reflection of the person I am now and wanted to become.”

I am my doubts,

I am my courage,

I am ignorance,

I am my very own enemy.

I am the person who has been easily persuaded, convinced and deceived. Through all that, I didn’t give up on who I am and who I want to become.

I am the child who had it all but didn’t appreciate any for all was provided for instead of working for it. I “splurged”, went all out, wasted and got wasted. Relied on my income, trust, and other sources of income, (legal and illegal, moral and immoral) I was like a famer with good grain, who chose a rocky and thorny field to sow for the next season.

I am the child who had none, worked his back to an early old age, his fingers to the bone and still didn’t reach the goals he had set for himself. That brought me down, left me defeated and depleted.

Turned to illegal means of making a living, told lies, sold my soul to alcohol, shunned those who tried to talk sense into my heard, shut all sorts of light and warmth for my heart to feed on and became an empty shell.

I am who I am and whom I have become because of the choices I made, because of what I have been through, because of what I told myself I shall not ever repeat or find myself doing again. I am who I am because of those who never gave up on me, the strangers I found myself pouring my heart out to, knowing that there might be a chance that they’d judge me for what I have done, failed to do, haven’t done or haven’t achieved at my age. Even if they do judge me, I knew that chances are, I would never know or give a damn about that for they were people I might never meet again in life.

I am who I am because I stopped telling myself lies, because I stopped convincing myself that “by a stroke of luck, success will land on my lap”.

I am who I am because I was tired of whining and complaining about this and that. I am this person today because I made a pact with myself and agreed with that little silent voice from within that kept on asking: “why aren’t you doing anything about anything to change your current situation”?

I am who I am because I reminded myself that I am not the next person or a replica of those who lived before me. I wasn’t born to pick up from where they left off from. I was born to live my own life, make my own mistakes, fall and rise and carry myself amidst trying times. I was born to carve my own path. Find and follow my own passion. I was born to breath love, speak love and radiate happiness. I was born out of love into loving hands in a world opposed to loving openly.”

This applies to me, you and people you might know. Let it serve as a reminder that you are not your past, you are not your mistakes only, you are not a failure by nature, and you are not dumb or stupid.

You are who you choose to be. You are the beauty you feel and see on the mirror. You are someone’s daughter, son, wife, and husband. You are a brother to not only your family, but those who extend their friendship to a level of brotherhood/sisterhood, etc.

You are an extension of the universe, part of nature, part of me, a part of him, her or them. Life has a way of sorting itself out when you least expect it to. Hang in there and keep on keeping on!

It is never advisable to give up on what you have in your heart for what you think is right. Passion and dedication can take you far, provided you convince the mind that the heart will never mislead the mind or take you where you do not want to be.

Whenever you feel sad, anxious, defeated or otherwise, ask yourself this:

“Who am I or who have I become or what have I become”

Angels & Saints

Stories untold

I hear every day, about angels and saints,stories of how they have fallen face first to the ground, wings ripped off their backs as if they were stolen in the first place from He who gives live to all.

I hear every day, about angels and saints, who have been devalued, defaced, discredited and dehumanized by sinners and the crooked, judged by the judgmental for acts deemed not fitting to be committed by their like (Yet they forget that each and every one of us started off as an angel waiting to sin and sinners trying to redeem themselves through actions and words from our hearts.)

I hear every day, stories of the kindhearted, who’s believes and hope have never been moved anywhere close to the realms of doubt, hate, envy, shame or hate. Who’s hearts have always guided against such, giving courage to their minds to face the truth, tell the truth and amend where they have faulted.

Such beings go through each day bearing jeering fingers, talks behind their backs, doors to promising success slammed on their faces. Such people walk around giving thanks to God for each opportunity they get to wake up and face another challenging day instead of cursing life for being so hard, full of temptations, lust and trust issues.

Such beings are said to thank God for giving roses thorns, for they know that such delicate, beautiful and rare flowers need protection from greedy hands who can’t seem to have enough of everything.

Such beings bare it all in silence, never complain for they know at one point, they too were once victims of their own circumstances, human nature had the best of them, alcohol ruled their lives, guilt and shame sat heavy in their hearts, lustful wishes they made a reality. But they never gave up on redeeming themselves, trusting in themselves, what they believed in and remembering the life they once lived and aspired to lead before falling off the wagon.

Remembering that made it easy for them to forgive themselves first, made it easy for them to want to change for the better, made it easy for them to realize how far down the rabbit hole they have fallen, made it easy for them to believe in 2^nd, 3^rd or 6^th chances on life.

Remembering helps ease the pain, gather courage to try again and remember that one important human trait called : “happiness” and a life full of happiness is a life worth living a million times over regardless of the monetary securities one might have or don’t have.

Chose to live, chose life full of joy and happiness. Drowning your sorrows in self pity, reckless behavior, alcohol or drugs will only worsen things and lay to rest a young talent that never got to see the light of day due to guilt, bad experiences or a gloomy past or shameful acts once conducted. You are not your past, make that choice to live and learn from the past instead of trying to live in it.

“Today reminded me about yesterday, yesterday tried to deceive me into thinking there is no tomorrow and tomorrow eluded me seeing how much I was fixated on how bad today was going. Through it all, today reminded me about yesterday and prompted me to think about tomorrow instead of living in the past or yesterday might just be forgotten along with me”

I hear every day, about angels and saints, fallen face first to the ground, wings ripped off their backs as if they were stolen in the first place from He who gives live to all.

Pick yourself up and try again. Broken wings or not, be grateful you still have the gift of life. Use it every day to get back to where you once were and beyond.

Mend your broken wings and learn to fly again.

Become that person...

Becoming that Person…..

Is as easy as one two 3….becoming someone you’re not takes not a year, a day or a month. It takes a subconscious decision you make every time you fight and argue your way through life, every time you try to voice out your opinions, feelings or objections.

Becoming that person doesn’t take much. At times, it is as hard and as easy as taking a horse ride and trying to force it to have a drink knowing well it has made up its mind against doing so. At times, we become so focused at pointing out what went wrong, what is going wrong and how it went wrong and focus less on how to fix things, make amends, rebuild the bridges we’ve burnt and add value to friendships, relationships, family ties, brotherhood and sisterhoods. What is the point of lamenting on the past if one doesn’t make means to fix the present and build for the future? Is there a need to highlight others shortcomings or pointing and singling out all that is wrong and offer no solutions or a resolutions? I believe that makes you not person poised at moving forward, but makes you part of the problem and adds more frustrations than necessary.

If it weren’t for our traits as humans to falter every now and then, none of us would stand out or make any form of an impression on others, encourage others to change for the better, inspire others to be better than what they are or motivate others to inspire others. Each one help one, but the first form of help starts with self, spreads with dedication and blossoms with commitment.

Commit to yourself, commit yourself to your believes, commit to your values.

Becoming that person can be a good or bad thing depending on how that person shares his/her values with the world.

Once upon a time, when our innocence was intact, we knew nothing about betrayal. We knew less about success, yet wanted it. We knew pain, but never paid much attention to it for the affection we got from the same people who dished out the beatings, be it verbal or physical, was too overwhelming to forget about the love they had for us and wouldn’t let us dwell on the momentary lashings they handed out.

Once upon a time, before our minds got diluted with the standards of success the world has set, we knew less about “individualism within a team”. We knew less about egos and how easy they could be inflated and how hard they’d affect us should they not be stroked and caressed.

Back then, not so long ago, we worked as a collective, never voiced out any frustrations, aimed to resolve them in silence till it became too much to bare. Till we woke up and we’ve become that person; those people; those brothers,sisters,aunts and uncles that everybody hates and we tried hard not to become.

We woke up full of criticism, anger, frustrations and verbal constipation. We woke up with minds clouded by perception, restrictions brought about fear of disappointing others. We woke up with hearts full of grief, self pity, resentment and traces or hatred.

Becoming that person is as easy as not acknowledging that life is what you make it out to be. That how you decide to handle what happens in it is entirely your choice and that you are as free as the day you decided to stand up for what you believe in.

Becoming that person can be a good or a bad thing, depending on how and where you got your mind focused.

Learning to let go....nobody said it will be easy, nobody said it will be impossible either.

Conflict of Interest....

"Conflict of interest…

Smiles last longer while words remain unsaid, twirling and twisting in each other’s minds like tides in an ocean, constantly urging and challenging the waves to go further inland in.

Smiles lost in each other as lips lock for the first time, turning thoughts into reality, satisfying all curiosity and fantasies……bliss….satisfaction, new beginnings.

Smiles, lost in time as words unsaid manifest and turn into bitter words, words full of disappointments...slowly turning into resentment.

Conflict of interest…..that is what we MEN are to ourselves.

We love a loving women, we love attention, affection and throwing tantrums.

We love flexing our muscles, showing our physical strengths and superiority….that’s in our D.N.A, and that’s our favorite excuse whenever we feel the need.

We love to dominate and also be dominated, we use our “heads” more with less thorough thought put. We are a loving creature that doesn’t know how to show love without being showed, we are a loving creature that easily gets frustrated and easily shaken. We are a loving creature that if let loose, we lose ourselves in the excitement of freedom and let our heads do the thinking without much thought being really applied.

We are a caring species, as much as we won’t show it well in actions or refrain from talking about it, we are a loving species.

We are also the masters of deception, liars with a wry sweet charming smile, manipulators and hurtful bastards.

We are uncaring, hurtful and full of ignorance and arrogance……We live to fuck and fuck to live when all’s lost.

We are a weak species, strong physically yet not capable of sustaining a home without the help of our necks, our other halves, the better ones than us when it comes to all attributes needed to build and sustain a functioning home.

We are just that…..many words can describe us, many a story can be told about the different kinds of us out there, many a woman can testify about our injustices, our cheating ways, our physical, verbal and emotional blackmail (black-male) and abuse

That is what we are, not because of our D.N.A, that’s just a fucked up excuse we have been allowed to use in order to justify our ways, mistakes and shortcomings. We are who we are because of the choices we make. Situations and circumstances may shape us and mould us, break us down or encourage us to surge on in a quest to discover our purposes and reasons for loving and living, but he choices we take or make each time we run into any form of difficulties make us the men we are today and will eventually end up being tomorrow.

Conflict of interest……

an act less understood by many a man through his actions, thoughts and goals.

We want a loving woman, but can’t get enough of a good shag from that one girl we’ve always wanted and enjoyed doing.

We want a huge house with many cars by a certain age, yet we forget a lifestyle is a repetition of desired results over and over till the mind is subdued into thinking what is desired and known is the only way to live life and do things.

We forget that what we are limited into knowing and doing is what we were or have been exposed to.

We forget life doesn’t begin or end with us and that what we set our minds into doing can either make us or break us.

We forget that our dicks have “heads” that aren’t capable of thinking for themselves.

We forget that we are not “superman’s and Batmans” of our modern society but we are super heroes to those we prove worthy to each and every day.

We also forget that there is forgiveness after doubts.

There is redemption after faltering and there is always a way back after straying.

Conflict of interest, an act we’ve become well known for.

We can all be better at what we want, we cannot all be good at everything like everyone else, we cannot be who everyone wants us to be, but we can try to be a different person through mutual understanding, self belief, character building and molding and future needs assessment.

We can always choose to be who we want to be."

This is my brief description of what I am, what my brother is and the brother next to him is like. We are what we are because of the choices we make and stick with, we complicate things because of the simple decision we take for granted. We mess up because of lust, pride, stigma and other social challenges we pose upon ourselvesor take on unnecessarily.

Opportunities come not but once, but regrets last forever.....don't go down that lane and end up with missed opportunities and loads of regrets.