Resolutions...

Resolutions

Just like promises, we make them, break them, try and revive and live up to them only to forget them as soon as our old habits kick in.

Some resolutions are good on paper, good to hear and talk about but hard to maintain or keep up with. Some are harder to believe that they could be achieved till we apply ourselves, commit to them and work on making them a reality.

Just like promises, we sometimes forget about our resolutions till round about this time of the year. We look at our bank balances and hope our bonuses will compensate for the year’s savings blown on expensive clothes, alcohol, nights out with strangers we don’t know and might never see, strip clubs, fishing trips, house parties and luxuries of this world that deplete in value the moment we take them home, etc…..

We are less disciplined at heart to stay fast on our targets, too weak in mind to develop a back bone and say no to temptation, we easily lose hope when storms tests our fate. We get carried away easily.

Resolutions, just like the words: “ I love you”, said from a heart driven by lust, they are made easily and fade as easily as they were made, only to be remembered when it is too late to achieve goals set for that year, month, period of time.

We are passive when it comes to seeing the “bigger picture”, but impulsive when it comes to living for the now and knowing there will be another month end to look forward to and take from to cover daily expenses or commitments that should have been taken care of right there and then. We depend more on what comes easily to us, not seeing that, by doing so, we enslave our minds with chains of placidness, dependency and corrode our ability to think outside the box and utilize our potentials effectively.

We are quick to say “I will never do that again…” “I will never drink that much again”, “I will never allow myself to be abused like that or taken advantage of ever again.”

We are quick to look at health magazine and vow we’ll get that summer body come “next year December”, forgetting that before reaching that goal, we first need to train our minds, discipline our hearts and know how to stare temptation square on the face and say: “I have made up my mind, I know where I want to be come this time next year”.

We get new jobs, salary increases and all that and think our problems are over, forgetting that managing one’s fiancés is a daily exercise, one that doesn’t need one to be really as good as accountants, but to be as disciplined as a monk who has taken a vow never to talk, curse or do certain things in life the same way he used to.

Make everyday a new year, make every evening a day to reflect on what you have set yourself to do when the year started instead of waiting for the year to end.

Set your goals, Review and Restructure them as the year goes. Refine them and enjoy life as it happens.  This is part of my resolution for the next year…what is/are yours? Will they be attainable? Are they practical, will they change your life and way of thinking?

What are resolutions when life becomes harder and changes with each passing day?  To me, they make my world go round, they are what I live for, a reminder of what I’d love to achieve in life.

The reason why I am…..

The reason why I am…..

“I am what I am not because of my circumstances, or where I have been through and what I’ve been through, but because of what I chose to do with how I wanted to leave yesterday and live in the moment hoping tomorrow will be better and brighter.

I am who I am not only for who I know, who I have known or associated myself with, but for what I learned from those I’ve known, still know and have been associated with.

I am my father’s son, his pride and joy, his right hand man in everything he does.  The apple of his eye.

I am my father’s disappointment, his shame to the world, the black sheep of the family, the apple that fell far away from the tree.

I am what I am not because I wasn’t shown any love, not because I was a step child, not because of what happened between his family and my mother’s family, but because I chose to be like this. I am responsible for who I am, what I have become and the repercussions of the choices I have made.

I am the person I was set to be (fate), I am the results of my faults (future, present and past), I am my achievements (small or huge, there are a part of who I am) I am my ambition, be it that I’ll make it within the next year or 5 years, whichever it might be, my ambition will be a part of me and a reflection of the person I am now and wanted to become.”

I am my doubts,

I am my courage,

I am ignorance,

I am my very own enemy.

I am the person who has been easily persuaded, convinced and deceived. Through all that, I didn’t give up on who I am and who I want to become.

I am the child who had it all but didn’t appreciate any for all was provided for instead of working for it. I “splurged”, went all out, wasted and got wasted. Relied on my income, trust, and other sources of income, (legal and illegal, moral and immoral) I was like a famer with good grain, who chose a rocky and thorny field to sow for the next season.

I am the child who had none, worked his back to an early old age, his fingers to the bone and still didn’t reach the goals he had set for himself. That brought me down, left me defeated and depleted.

Turned to illegal means of making a living, told lies, sold my soul to alcohol, shunned those who tried to talk sense into my heard, shut all sorts of light and warmth for my heart to feed on and became an empty shell.

I am who I am and whom I have become because of the choices I made, because of what I have been through, because of what I told myself I shall not ever repeat or find myself doing again. I am who I am because of those who never gave up on me, the strangers I found myself pouring my heart out to, knowing that there might be a chance that they’d judge me for what I have done, failed to do, haven’t done or haven’t achieved at my age. Even if they do judge me, I knew that chances are, I would never know or give a damn about that for they were people I might never meet again in life.

I am who I am because I stopped telling myself lies, because I stopped convincing myself that “by a stroke of luck, success will land on my lap”.

I am who I am because I was tired of whining and complaining about this and that. I am this person today because I made a pact with myself and agreed with that little silent voice from within that kept on asking: “why aren’t you doing anything about anything to change your current situation”?

I am who I am because I reminded myself that I am not the next person or a replica of those who lived before me. I wasn’t born to pick up from where they left off from. I was born to live my own life, make my own mistakes, fall and rise and carry myself amidst trying times. I was born to carve my own path. Find and follow my own passion. I was born to breath love, speak love and radiate happiness. I was born out of love into loving hands in a world opposed to loving openly.”

This applies to me, you and people you might know. Let it serve as a reminder that you are not your past, you are not your mistakes only, you are not a failure by nature, and you are not dumb or stupid.

You are who you choose to be. You are the beauty you feel and see on the mirror. You are someone’s daughter, son, wife, and husband. You are a brother to not only your family, but those who extend their friendship to a level of brotherhood/sisterhood, etc.

You are an extension of the universe, part of nature, part of me, a part of him, her or them. Life has a way of sorting itself out when you least expect it to. Hang in there and keep on keeping on!

It is never advisable to give up on what you have in your heart for what you think is right. Passion and dedication can take you far, provided you convince the mind that the heart will never mislead the mind or take you where you do not want to be.

Whenever you feel sad, anxious, defeated or otherwise, ask yourself this:

“Who am I or who have I become or what have I become”

Angels & Saints

Stories untold

I hear every day, about angels and saints,stories of how they have fallen face first to the ground, wings ripped off their backs as if they were stolen in the first place from He who gives live to all.

I hear every day, about angels and saints, who have been devalued, defaced, discredited and dehumanized by sinners and the crooked, judged by the judgmental for acts deemed not fitting to be committed by their like (Yet they forget that each and every one of us started off as an angel waiting to sin and sinners trying to redeem themselves through actions and words from our hearts.)

I hear every day, stories of the kindhearted, who’s believes and hope have never been moved anywhere close to the realms of doubt, hate, envy, shame or hate. Who’s hearts have always guided against such, giving courage to their minds to face the truth, tell the truth and amend where they have faulted.

Such beings go through each day bearing jeering fingers, talks behind their backs, doors to promising success slammed on their faces. Such people walk around giving thanks to God for each opportunity they get to wake up and face another challenging day instead of cursing life for being so hard, full of temptations, lust and trust issues.

Such beings are said to thank God for giving roses thorns, for they know that such delicate, beautiful and rare flowers need protection from greedy hands who can’t seem to have enough of everything.

Such beings bare it all in silence, never complain for they know at one point, they too were once victims of their own circumstances, human nature had the best of them, alcohol ruled their lives, guilt and shame sat heavy in their hearts, lustful wishes they made a reality. But they never gave up on redeeming themselves, trusting in themselves, what they believed in and remembering the life they once lived and aspired to lead before falling off the wagon.

Remembering that made it easy for them to forgive themselves first, made it easy for them to want to change for the better, made it easy for them to realize how far down the rabbit hole they have fallen, made it easy for them to believe in 2^nd, 3^rd or 6^th chances on life.

Remembering helps ease the pain, gather courage to try again and remember that one important human trait called : “happiness” and a life full of happiness is a life worth living a million times over regardless of the monetary securities one might have or don’t have.

Chose to live, chose life full of joy and happiness. Drowning your sorrows in self pity, reckless behavior, alcohol or drugs will only worsen things and lay to rest a young talent that never got to see the light of day due to guilt, bad experiences or a gloomy past or shameful acts once conducted. You are not your past, make that choice to live and learn from the past instead of trying to live in it.

“Today reminded me about yesterday, yesterday tried to deceive me into thinking there is no tomorrow and tomorrow eluded me seeing how much I was fixated on how bad today was going. Through it all, today reminded me about yesterday and prompted me to think about tomorrow instead of living in the past or yesterday might just be forgotten along with me”

I hear every day, about angels and saints, fallen face first to the ground, wings ripped off their backs as if they were stolen in the first place from He who gives live to all.

Pick yourself up and try again. Broken wings or not, be grateful you still have the gift of life. Use it every day to get back to where you once were and beyond.

Mend your broken wings and learn to fly again.

Become that person...

Becoming that Person…..

Is as easy as one two 3….becoming someone you’re not takes not a year, a day or a month. It takes a subconscious decision you make every time you fight and argue your way through life, every time you try to voice out your opinions, feelings or objections.

Becoming that person doesn’t take much. At times, it is as hard and as easy as taking a horse ride and trying to force it to have a drink knowing well it has made up its mind against doing so. At times, we become so focused at pointing out what went wrong, what is going wrong and how it went wrong and focus less on how to fix things, make amends, rebuild the bridges we’ve burnt and add value to friendships, relationships, family ties, brotherhood and sisterhoods. What is the point of lamenting on the past if one doesn’t make means to fix the present and build for the future? Is there a need to highlight others shortcomings or pointing and singling out all that is wrong and offer no solutions or a resolutions? I believe that makes you not person poised at moving forward, but makes you part of the problem and adds more frustrations than necessary.

If it weren’t for our traits as humans to falter every now and then, none of us would stand out or make any form of an impression on others, encourage others to change for the better, inspire others to be better than what they are or motivate others to inspire others. Each one help one, but the first form of help starts with self, spreads with dedication and blossoms with commitment.

Commit to yourself, commit yourself to your believes, commit to your values.

Becoming that person can be a good or bad thing depending on how that person shares his/her values with the world.

Once upon a time, when our innocence was intact, we knew nothing about betrayal. We knew less about success, yet wanted it. We knew pain, but never paid much attention to it for the affection we got from the same people who dished out the beatings, be it verbal or physical, was too overwhelming to forget about the love they had for us and wouldn’t let us dwell on the momentary lashings they handed out.

Once upon a time, before our minds got diluted with the standards of success the world has set, we knew less about “individualism within a team”. We knew less about egos and how easy they could be inflated and how hard they’d affect us should they not be stroked and caressed.

Back then, not so long ago, we worked as a collective, never voiced out any frustrations, aimed to resolve them in silence till it became too much to bare. Till we woke up and we’ve become that person; those people; those brothers,sisters,aunts and uncles that everybody hates and we tried hard not to become.

We woke up full of criticism, anger, frustrations and verbal constipation. We woke up with minds clouded by perception, restrictions brought about fear of disappointing others. We woke up with hearts full of grief, self pity, resentment and traces or hatred.

Becoming that person is as easy as not acknowledging that life is what you make it out to be. That how you decide to handle what happens in it is entirely your choice and that you are as free as the day you decided to stand up for what you believe in.

Becoming that person can be a good or a bad thing, depending on how and where you got your mind focused.

Learning to let go....nobody said it will be easy, nobody said it will be impossible either.

Conflict of Interest....

"Conflict of interest…

Smiles last longer while words remain unsaid, twirling and twisting in each other’s minds like tides in an ocean, constantly urging and challenging the waves to go further inland in.

Smiles lost in each other as lips lock for the first time, turning thoughts into reality, satisfying all curiosity and fantasies……bliss….satisfaction, new beginnings.

Smiles, lost in time as words unsaid manifest and turn into bitter words, words full of disappointments...slowly turning into resentment.

Conflict of interest…..that is what we MEN are to ourselves.

We love a loving women, we love attention, affection and throwing tantrums.

We love flexing our muscles, showing our physical strengths and superiority….that’s in our D.N.A, and that’s our favorite excuse whenever we feel the need.

We love to dominate and also be dominated, we use our “heads” more with less thorough thought put. We are a loving creature that doesn’t know how to show love without being showed, we are a loving creature that easily gets frustrated and easily shaken. We are a loving creature that if let loose, we lose ourselves in the excitement of freedom and let our heads do the thinking without much thought being really applied.

We are a caring species, as much as we won’t show it well in actions or refrain from talking about it, we are a loving species.

We are also the masters of deception, liars with a wry sweet charming smile, manipulators and hurtful bastards.

We are uncaring, hurtful and full of ignorance and arrogance……We live to fuck and fuck to live when all’s lost.

We are a weak species, strong physically yet not capable of sustaining a home without the help of our necks, our other halves, the better ones than us when it comes to all attributes needed to build and sustain a functioning home.

We are just that…..many words can describe us, many a story can be told about the different kinds of us out there, many a woman can testify about our injustices, our cheating ways, our physical, verbal and emotional blackmail (black-male) and abuse

That is what we are, not because of our D.N.A, that’s just a fucked up excuse we have been allowed to use in order to justify our ways, mistakes and shortcomings. We are who we are because of the choices we make. Situations and circumstances may shape us and mould us, break us down or encourage us to surge on in a quest to discover our purposes and reasons for loving and living, but he choices we take or make each time we run into any form of difficulties make us the men we are today and will eventually end up being tomorrow.

Conflict of interest……

an act less understood by many a man through his actions, thoughts and goals.

We want a loving woman, but can’t get enough of a good shag from that one girl we’ve always wanted and enjoyed doing.

We want a huge house with many cars by a certain age, yet we forget a lifestyle is a repetition of desired results over and over till the mind is subdued into thinking what is desired and known is the only way to live life and do things.

We forget that what we are limited into knowing and doing is what we were or have been exposed to.

We forget life doesn’t begin or end with us and that what we set our minds into doing can either make us or break us.

We forget that our dicks have “heads” that aren’t capable of thinking for themselves.

We forget that we are not “superman’s and Batmans” of our modern society but we are super heroes to those we prove worthy to each and every day.

We also forget that there is forgiveness after doubts.

There is redemption after faltering and there is always a way back after straying.

Conflict of interest, an act we’ve become well known for.

We can all be better at what we want, we cannot all be good at everything like everyone else, we cannot be who everyone wants us to be, but we can try to be a different person through mutual understanding, self belief, character building and molding and future needs assessment.

We can always choose to be who we want to be."

This is my brief description of what I am, what my brother is and the brother next to him is like. We are what we are because of the choices we make and stick with, we complicate things because of the simple decision we take for granted. We mess up because of lust, pride, stigma and other social challenges we pose upon ourselvesor take on unnecessarily.

Opportunities come not but once, but regrets last forever.....don't go down that lane and end up with missed opportunities and loads of regrets.

Ignorance is King.....

Ignorance is bliss on a young mind’s soul, walking around, oblivious to what was before he came about.

Arrogance, depriving one progress, change and a chance to fit in, blend in and get acquainted with the world and how it has evolved.

Adaptation, known less by those who can’t measure their own progress, achievements and shortfalls. All this means nothing to someone who’s mentality is stuck on showing the world how much “swag” “hustle and grind” they have been on.



Lost in Oblivion



Times have changed, times have changed people and people have changed with time, add to that circumstances that have molded them into being the characters we see today, time remains the constant factor and denominator in an equation who’s answer will always be the same, just derived in different methods,means and at a different rate.

Before we question others about this and that, have you ever thought of walking a mile in their shoes?

Before passing down judgment and pointing fingers, have you ever considered hearing one out and figuring out a way to help, aid or direct to relevant people who can offer assistance to whatever scenario one might be going through.

Before calling traditional practices barbaric, ancient, taboo and uncalled for, have you ever asked your father how his father was raised, or how your father’s family was raised and why culture and tradition mean everything to them?

Before calling yourself the best at what you do, have you ever took a minute to venture beyond your little world of deception and opened up to the world as seen by those you oppose or have different opinions on how they see life?

Before you knew sadness, hurt, pain or gloom, did you really knew love, joy and happiness and how easy it is to remain happy amidst your world falling apart right in front of your very own eyes?

Before calling it a day and giving up on everything you've worked hard for, do you ever remind yourself that what happened a minute ago can never be changed, but can be repeated? How it is repeated will define your will to live beyond the past minute/moment that yielded results less favored by your heart?

By the grace of God, “Amadlozi”, “Abaphansi” or “izinyanya”, you have come this far, done so much, gone through a lot, yet you remain adamant you have done it all by yourself, through your own cunning ways, negotiation skills, ability to manipulate situations and minds.

You so adamant about being the best there is out there that you forget you’re competing with yourself through people who have nothing to do with your egotistical lack self appreciation; confidence and affection.



Imvelaphi - My roots



You might not be financially struggling, you might be living a lavish life, you could be affording all that you want and more, but if you are still trying to show that to people less fortunate, still make noise about your “hustle and grind”, still impose your opinions on others, and splash out like there is no tomorrow, criticize without giving alternatives….to me, you are no different from an empty vessel, making the loudest noise for all to admire but have no contents that can be shared with anyone for mental sustenance, spiritual growth or personal growth.

Shadows stand tall and menacing just before the sun sets, darkness casts eerie figures all around you, fear grips your heart and seizes control of your reasoning ability. You find yourself running in circles, chasing shadows away from you forgetting that the very same shadow you are trying to run away from can be used as a measure of how big and tall you want to be. Turn a blind eye to what you are not and focus on who you want to be.

We are all in a quest and journey to self discovery, we all learn from others and emulate as we go ways and methods of how success is and should be derived, forgetting that a bit of our own ingenuity is what is needed to set us apart from repeating what has been done before, including mistakes, traps and pitfalls that can be avoided.

We learn new things every day, new ways of doing things, new meanings to what we’ve been calling life and new methods of solving issues and avoiding the past from repeating itself……that doesn’t have to change you as a person per say. It doesn’t mean you should drop your morals and be on a quest to investigate new and easier ways of making it with less sweat and toil. That doesn’t mean short cuts should be the order of the day all day everyday that doesn’t mean you should become unbearable and unaccommodating to those who haven’t discovered their own pots of gold.

Put away your fears, go forth and try be what you aspire to be. If it doesn’t happen this year, if it doesn’t happen in the next five years or decade, rest assured within that time, you will stumble across better means of re-defining your initial goal, you will allow time to mold you, you will accept change and adapt accordingly.

Strong tall trees might be rigid and tough compared to reeds by the river, just remember that strong winds can uproot them as if they were rooted on sandy soil compared to reeds that bend and sway with the wind instead of opposing it….!

Never fear letting go….it could be the beginning of a whole new life. The world is a vast place, ready to be molded, shaped, cultivated and natured towards your own expectations, desires and wishes.



Fields of pleanty



 All photographic material shot by: Sthe Ngcobo

There is a lot I want to know...from who though?

What do you call your Africa…..what do you call your “ubuntu”,

are we a modernized black society or a backward generation following an illusion of evolution through financial freedom and freedom to do whatever our hearts desire all in the name of human rights and personal growth?

What do you call your Africa, your home or Ubuntu…..? Are we a modernized white society still going around with our noses held up high or in the name of sophistication, evolution and upper social status that no other race can acquire, no matter how wealthy they become? White or black, are you not African….?

What do you call your Africa…..? Black as a black man, more harry than a black man, praising statues that portray animals of the jungle we black men are said to be similar to and act like yet we are still hated for being black?

What do you call your Africa, your sanctuary from international tax laws, urban jungles and haven for blue collar crimes punishable by a mere sanction on your couple of millions of dollars acquired through hard labor by those earning less than a percentage of your total gross income on your interest accumulating from lucrative deals said to benefit the economies, society and country at large…?

“This land was stolen from our fore fathers and their fore fathers fathers…we fought for it and through blood and teargas, we won it back…the struggle continues….we fight on, fighting for economic freedom and equality” Are those words we should use to shield off our personal agendas and motives?

Were you there when they fought for this what we call Freedom….are we free post the 94 elections and passing of new laws…?

Do we know what to do with the said freedom they fought for? How many years has it been since the fight began, what have we gained thus far…when will it end?

“It is because of the sacrifices made by our comrades, mothers, brothers, and fathers that you can go to a white school and gain “proper” education for yourself, your children and your children’s children…..”!! What about the “basic” education….? Why must there be “basic” ad “proper” education for the very same people said to be equal or must be equal in all terms and platforms…?

What do you call your Africa, your South Africa, the place you’ve known for most of your life to be home? Is it just home to you and your ignorance bliss…? Is it not haven for drug mules, dealers and human traffickers?

Is it not haven for corrupt officials trained at negotiating deals on the roads, courts, holding cells and high rising Gov departments where all the money is said to be used for personal gains and lavish lifestyles?

What do you call this a place you call it home? With so many a holiday to suit and please the ignorant man on the street who’s thoughts are restricted by the looming long weekend and the amount of ass and booze to be had?

What do you call this a place, with so many tenderpreneurs showing off their new money and senseless spending sprees on commodities who’s values deplete with each second on the road?

What do you call the life you are living, the direction you’ve taken and the personal goals you got your eyes on?

The eye sees what it wants to see, the brain shuts out what it doesn’t want the eye to see, but the heart bleeds tears of anguish with each injustice done to your fellow human being, albeit their skin color, race, clan or places of origin.

There is a lot I would love to know, ask and talk about….but who will answer me, answer you or us should we raise our concerns?

Are we only good enough to be told what we hope to hear or will we be strong enough to stomach the truth, tainted or otherwise? Do we have the strength to accept it? Will we be able to know it should we get exposed to it or will our eyes be misguided and eluded from it by the bent and altered version of it?

Is there even such a thing as the truth anymore in the world we are living in……What do you call this a place that you wake up to every morning? Is it the promised land you hoped for? Is it the dreams of those said to have shed their blood for?

What is this, that you call your Africa, your Ubuntu, your Equality, your humanity……?

Are you an African, South African a Zulu or Xhosa when it suits you or need be….or are you a child of the soil, breathing the same air as our ancestors breath during their times….?

What is it that you are afraid of the most….? What is it that you are afraid to confront? What is it that you are living for....?

When I'm all grey and wrinkled

The day I grow old…..when my head’s all grey and eyes blurry, will I be remembered for the good I did, the humanity I showed or the pride I showed with each step I took, prancing like a horse on show,parading my ego?

The day I grow old, what memories of self would I have, all the blunders I made, will they come back to haunt me?

All the chances I lost out on, will they come back to taunt my mind with “what if’s” and “I wonder where I would’ve been if I had went along and took that risk”.

The day I grow old……would my grand children watch me wither in solitude like a fallen leaf blown into a slow flowing stream?

Will my own flesh and blood resent me for the anger, harshness and negligence?

The day I grow old, what would I have left in this world apart from memories of times we partied till the sun came up, drank till we passed out, only to remember less of the drinking spree or the people we drank with…..?

What legacy am I suppose to leave behind if I have never been introduced to one?

Will my advancement in my field of work mean anything?

What moral values am I suppose to pass on, do I even know what those are when I am still content with pointing out defects on those I call friends and family?

The day I grow old….and find myself empty and shallow would be the day I acknowledge I have lived one too many hours without realizing my worth and potential.

Adaptation......

Adaptation…….

I don’t know how it began or why it begun

Who it started with or where it began…

One thing I know is that it is necessary for surviving and advancing further in life.

I don’t know much about the word, but I know I got to keep on moving and change with times, even though time itself never changes yet moves on steadily.

I know I got to adapt, does that mean I got to change completely or partially?

Doesn’t “changing partially” mean one has changed, regardless of how much change he/she has undergone?

What is this adaptation if all we ever do is reflect on the past forgetting to look for solutions for tomorrow?

I adapt…how?

How do I shape up for an hour I know less about or know what it’ll bring, let alone how it’ll turn out to be?

What is tomorrow if not a couple of hours away from the first hour you started counting down the minutes left in this day?

What is this adaptation when I still walk up straight like the so called prime-mates from way back then, when and where time was not so much an important factor?

Is adaptation different from evolution?

When we evolve, we become better, and we make do with what we have the best way we could under those certain circumstances…

What about adaptation?

Adaptation: Does it mean I can  be the same person I was yesterday and claim to have grown or changed if there isn’t any substantial change or growth to show or boast about?

We are a backward generation moving forward in a high paced rate with no definite or concrete assurance of any desirable destination.

We speak of destiny as if we’ve seen our tomorrow….if that were the case, why haven’t we jumped all the sad aspects, moments, circumstances, trials and tribulations and fast forwarded to happier times and moments or to our “destiny”?

Adaptation…are we living in an imaginary world or does it really does exist?

Learn to let go……

Talk is everything...cheap or otherwise....

They say talk is cheap if you do not walk the talk and live the talk……

Promises are nothing more but cheap talk if they are not fulfilled right? What do you make of them or call them should they get fulfilled, cheap talk? Expensive talk? Is there such a thing?

Blah blah bla this and yadi yadi yadi that…I am great at doing this, I am greater than my whole family combined, my brains sustains my family, the money I make can feed you and your family for a year….etc…!! All that is cheap talk right….?

I applaud those who can speak their minds out freely and carelessly. As bad a thing as it is, I get it that it liberates their thoughts and their actions are backed by their words.

I applaud those who are selfish with themselves, as much as they take from others, have expectations from others, and horde everything else to themselves, they sure know how to save themselves pain, chances of being taken advantage of, possibilities of losing possessions or emotions they hold dear to heart.

I applaud those who do not care about anything else expect today. They seem to live in a world full not only on satisfactions but accomplishments. They live for today with no worries about tomorrow or what might go wrong or right should that tomorrow come. Their worries are limited and end once the sun goes down and sleep takes over.

I applaud those living in a fantasy driven by arrogance and ignorance, deep down inside, we sometimes wish we could harness their ability to think that the world revolves around them or that their fathers built the universe and the whole galaxy……they think you and I owe them a favor for crossing paths with them…they think pride is everything that matters, screw everyone and everything else….!

I applaud those with no ambition, what more can they want? They got people to provide for them, they have inheritances waiting to fall onto their laps, they have everything them deem worth having without the experience of breaking a sweat……

I applaud all these people and many other more with similar mentalities, objectives and approach to life, for without them, my views and objectives in life would have been limited to a small portion of possibilities and no encouragement to do better would have been gained in any ways….

 I applaud the most, those, who against all odds, made it past the milestone their parents and parent’s parents left off.

Those raising a string of cousins, aunts and relatives with a salary other’s call “an installment for my German Beauty minus the fuel she consumes”.

Those playing father and mother roles to families of 5 all younger than 20 years in age.

Those selfless enough to adopt that child from the corner who’s parents gave up on him/her and her ambitions to have a matric certificate under his/her name.

Those selfless enough to give back to the community without fishing for applause and rewards from politicians, community leaders or prominent beings with high social ranks/standings.

Those who pass on the knowledge they have, the cultural teachings, character molding and instilling values and morals to the next generation.

I applaud those who live in the suburbs but they have never forgotten their roots….and still have a strong respect for their tradition and culture.

I give thanks to you, for being who you are, for sharing your thoughts, for sharing your knowledge, for sharing your views and for helping me become who I am today by reflecting on your doings, the path you’ve taken, your failures, successes and determination to making a change.

Talk is cheap after all, question is, who can put monetary value on your life and what you choose to listen to or emulate? Be the change you want to see in the world and never be scared to speak your mind out, follow your heart, be foolish or admit you’ve made the wrong choices or took a wrong turn somewhere down the line……Life is all about that and more. The known, the mysterious, the ups and downs, bad and good choices, lighting a fire and getting burnt to knowing how to control the flame.

Life is you and you are what you make of it…..

Learn to let it all go…talk is cheap but a few can put value to many a word said and unsaid!

All I ever wanted.....

Circles…are structures/forms or objects that seem to have no beginning or end. They are perfect in many ways yet give rise to imperfections which end up being perfected in time and get encoded in certain specimen’s DNA and passed on to their spawn and the next generations.

With men, caring is still and will still be a hard trait to show openly. With men, giving up due to frustrations and anger is as easy as blinking twice thrice in a matter of seconds and turning a blind eye forever to whatever they have been forced out of or bullied into giving up. With men, all that is against them either gets left alone or dealt with harshly. "Ignore and move on" or "move on with a suppressed burden hidden behind wooden and iron masks.", that's what is drilled into our minds and hearts..."Indoda ayikhali,ikhalela ngaphakathi"

"All I ever wanted was a son….a child to call my own" he said….she on the other hand had other ideas….!

"All I wanted to be was to be a better father and an example to the one I will call my son, was I asking for way too much?", she on the other hand had other plans.

"All that it took was a single night of passion fused with an intoxicated mind and hot blood rushing through both heads in my body to do what the heart has always wanted…she on the other hand, lay silently, with a sinister smile and glee in her eyes, legs wide open to embrace my sweaty body intoxicated with passion and a longing to sire a miniature me.... was I wrong or was I wrong...If only I knew...what I knon now when she lay down with i on top of her..."

She lay still,while our bodies talked the talk and did the deed till they were totally spent while brief gasps and moans broke the conversation between the two vessels poised at consuming each other till all their muscles have had enough of love making  to last them throughout whatever would have remained of that night.

"All that I ever wanted was a son..a child to call my own and raise. Someone to show the path to  manhood, instill sound principles and enjoy chasing around in a tricycle till nightfall.

All that I ever wanted……was not what I got!"

Circles are said to be these perfect structures with no beginning or end…..

Could it be that a new circle has begun, could I be living my father’s life all over again, could it be that the person I grew up calling my mother made it impossible for him to be in my life?

All I ever wanted was….not what I have.

Many a question reverberate in my head, trouble my heart and grind my weary body to a pulp like an emotionless human being walking around trying to figure out that which he understands not.

With men, letting go and cutting losses is as easy and effortless as it takes to blink twice thrice in a matter of a split second.

With wooden and iron masks rigidly fixed on our faces, we go through life with fake smiles, joy and happiness and a sense of freedom yet inside, our burdens age our young souls with each thought and breath we take.

With men, not all is as it appears to be, by virtue of being a man, we are already stuck between a hard place and life, the former being made even more difficult by the choices we make, our arrogance and ignorance, our stupid pride and lack of patience coupled with peer pressure and pressures brought upon by family, tradition and socio norms.

By virtue, being a man means more than just growing a fat pocket and acquiring wealth, some get so rich that they rob themselves of everything else, the only thing they’re left with is money and power, no compassion or attachment with those they claim to “work hard for” everyday…

By virtue of being a man, nothing will ever come easy and you will always be expected to provide, endure and sustain life under your provision, regardless of the circumstances.

Break the circle and start a newer better and bigger one…

A circle full of hope, learning through mistakes, passing on wisdom, tolerance, patience and open-headedness ….!

Be the change you want to be, but do not lower yourself to a point where you will be chewed and spat out like a run-out-of –sweetness piece of chewing gum all in the name of being a better man.

All I ever wanted is still within my arm’s reach…..I just need to learn to let go and just be…!

(This is a brief insight on how many men out there might be feeling regarding being called all sorts of names due to not seeing eye to eye with the mother of their children. There is an in-depth, more descriptive and explorative piece to follow sometime soon)

P.S: life could be much more tolerable if we knew how to handle each other, tolerate each other and know where and when to compromise on certain things, especially if there is a child or children involved. To all the women out there, don’t use children as leverage in your personal fights with the father of the child. To all the men out there going through a rough patch due to illegitimate children you sired out of wedlock or before your current relationship, hang in there…..when it rains it pours but it doesn’t rain forever, remember that…)

You have the power to change the course of your life, regardless of how bad it has been in the past, everything thing that you do from now henceforth is well within your control. Don’t choose to be another statistic or to be a victim of circumstances because, at the end of the day, when you’re old, frail and grey, they will ask: “ what did you do to try and resolve the matter?” and what then…what will be your response???

You tried…? She wouldn’t allow me to see you….? Her mother hated me….? Her brother hated me….or her friends spread rumors about me…?

Will that be an enough a reason to give up the fight all together….? Will you be able to live with yourself should such thoughts manifest within your soul and trouble your soul?

Tell me dear brother….how far are you prepared to go to fight for what is right?

Tell me my sister, how far will you go to punish him for not choosing you after all…..?

Photos taken by: -Sthe Ngcobo