Did I fail myself...

“Have I failed myself or has life failed me”

There was a point in time when I wasn’t what you see me as today. A time in history where men (peers and older) would stop dead on their tracks to pass me praises, try their luck to win my heart and attention. Nowadays, they pass me over like a rag doll that has been used a dog’s play toy. Some hardly recognize me, pretend they have never known me, some point fingers and share tales of how they once took turns with me, satisfying their egos and fantasies till they couldn’t raise it no more.

The person you see today wasn’t at all a bad person, less want to know how she became the wretched creature you see today.

You have probably heard of similar stories, you probably have an idea of how this will end or how it took a turn for the worse and resulted in me becoming a drunk, a druggie, a loose woman, good for nothing except spreading her legs wide open for whoever will afford to buy her a fear bottles of alcohol to numb the pain, shut the memories out and have her floating in a dreamy world where all her wishes came true, even if it was a world that never lasted forever, at least it provided me with an escape from what I lived everyday under his roof.

You probably don’t want to hear about this because you yourself have been through similar situations or you are currently living under similar conditions. You probably don’t want to hear or read about it because of the pain it brings you knowing in the afternoon, he might come into your room in the dark, put his hands on you and tell you not to tell anyone or he will throw you out on the streets; he will tell his wife you have been seducing him and asking him to come tuck you in every night when she worked her night shifts; he will tell the family what kind of a demented child you are, always making provocative moves on him and wearing revealing clothing whenever he is around.

You probably don’t want to hear about this because of the period this has been going on for. You never knew at first, but you ended up giving in and not doing anything about it after finding out it was wrong. You feared you’d be asked: “but why didn’t you say something”…… You feared it will shatter families and shame him. You protected the monster that he has become for the sake of keeping nosy neighbors at bay, at your expense and that of the good man who knows nothing about the pain and suffering you have been through or are still going through.

“Do I deserve this”?

“Did I fail myself or has life failed me?”

“What did I do to deserve such a two faced being as a father/uncle/brother/cousin/step brother, etc?”

“Is it my fault, did I Invite this to happen to me?”

You probably have asked yourself some of these questions…you probably know someone who once asked you these questions, with eyes full of tears and pain, confusion and despair written all over her face.

You probably have heard your flat mate pray to God to forgive those who have done her wrong and heard her mention relatives you might have seen coming through to visit her during odd hours of the night/day, and saw how she became once they have left.

You probably know that smart child who went through high school and tertiary without saying much about the uncle who paid her tuition fees but no one has ever seen her at her place whenever there was a funeral.

These are all assumptions, things I think you might be aware of or know.

To you, they might be just stories, to me though; it has been a dark reality I have been living since I knew what puberty was.

To me, they have been a reality I have been subjected to since my father passed away and my step mother remarried.

To me, this has been happening for as long as I could remember, to a point where I have learnt to live with it.

At first, I would wonder why certain women drank so much, dressed so seductively, drove expensive cars and had successful careers yet failed to sustain a stable relationship. I would wonder if they might have went through the same phases of life as me, I would wonder if they also got traumatized by the molestation they went through, the repeated rapes and how families protected those who violated them.

I am a woman who gave up the fight and opted for the easy way out. I am a woman who is ashamed of what she was put through, I am a woman who cannot face herself today, let alone look into the mirror and recognize the person staring back at her. I am a woman who allowed him to throw all the punches, endured the verbal abuse, the scorn and sexual abuses daily. I am the woman who allowed her future to be trampled upon and discarded like spit in the gutter.

My time might have come and gone, my habits to shut the pain out might have consumed me and left me finding it difficult to distinguish between what is real and what was a figment of my imagination.

I am no heroin; I have no great stories to tell. I have no accolades to show off. I have no children who are proud to call me “mother”. I hardly remember what it feels like to know affection.

What I am is a woman, who was robbed of her beauty, childhood, virginity, pride and freedom to choose.

I am a half the woman I wanted to become; thanks to half the man I have come across, who’s other halves were nothing close to even being described/called human. They were all monsters, and the few with golden hearts, I have hurt, fearing they would hurt me first like the rest have done previously.

I am an empty shell of what I used to be.

 Have I failed myself or did life fail me?

Did I bring this upon myself?

There is a lot that is not right in our country, there is a lot we haven't addressed or openned up to, let alone acknowledge that it happens. Abuse knows no colour, abuse knows no financial differences, culture or religion.

Us men, are the cause of sexual abuse, us men enjoy sexual favours and think we are entitled to them at whatever time, us men are the cause of so much pain and we act/carry on as if it is a norm.

I wrote this with a lot of women in mind, strangers, close friends and family. I wrote this hoping it will encourage women all over the world to speak out, that it will encourage the few good men left out there to talk to others and try change other men's mindsets and certain believes regarding how women should be treated.

We owe it to ourselves to change the world to be what we want it to be.

You will never know the next person's pain untill it happens to you, don't wait to become a statistic before considering taking action!

Breaking out......

Humility……

It has been a long while since I have had the will to pick up a pen and paper and jot something down, tease my brain and force it to embrace reality.

Truth be told, I have been lazy to write about what I see, feel and experience each and every day . Instead, I have been relying on my images to convey all these feelings & emotions, thoughts and perceptions I have about life.

I have been bottling a lot of things inside. Emotions, thoughts, ideas and advice, mainly because I didn’t know how to voice it out, maybe because I feared I’ll be judged, maybe I was afraid my words would fail me and end up sounding like one of the many loud empty voices or I’d be seen as another “opinionated smart black”.

Being the impulsive person that I am, I decided to spend this year’s Easter weekend on the road. Started off by accepting an invitation to attend an exhibition in Jo’burg….Gauten, Maboneng, where every man’s dreams and fantasies are made possible. I went there with nothing to lose but a lot to gain. I saw what I am losing out on, I saw the smiles, heard the laughter and experienced the support for visual arts a lot of people have in that side of the world.

 I got reminded that there is nothing holding me back from exploring, I got reminded how good it felt to make a sale and see the authentic smile on a satisfied client’s face, I got reminded of how good life can be if one learns to let go of everything not worth worrying about and focus on the positive aspects of life, little or not. Such a mindset is bound to make you have the most out of the little that you have.

I found myself discussing my pros and cons with a friend of over 15 years, I discovered habits most people didn’t like about me but they have never had the guts to tell me in my face and these I wasn’t even aware of. I found out how annoying I can be, I found out how supportive I can be and how I give whole heartedly without any expectation of rewards of any sort.

I found out how I can better myself, how I am already on the right path to success but still fear embracing that.

I got offered opportunities; I got introduced to people doing it on their own without much help from their parents or affiliations. I saw how picking up a phone and making that call could yield positive results. I discovered what it means to throw oneself in the deep end and swim as if one has been swimming for ages. I shared ideas, shared perspectives and had my bit of contribution heard.

I made bad calls, forgot to make a few follow ups and disappointed friends along the way, all in all, it wasn’t intentional but it happened and there is less I can do to change that. What I can do though is invest more in me, introduce new means of stamping my foot down and saying no to doing favors and taking demands from people who aren’t willing to acknowledge what I can do and keep on getting better at.

This past weekend, I got introduced to a life without fear, a life full of opportunities, a life that requires one to work for the rewards, one that needed one to get out there and let the world know who he is and what is he about.

I got re-introduced to T.D Jakes…I got reminded how bad as a young man I have had it, I got reminded how much frustration I have been going through and how bad friends have added on top of that without me complaining, least I got reminded that men don’t cry or that men don’t whine.

I got introduced to a film maker from Chiawelo (Shawelo) in Soweto. The very same person who has been giving Metro cops from Jozi a headache with his efforts to make Spinning and drifting a legal sport in South Africa as a whole. I heard his story, heard about the movie and felt the passion behind each word he shared and understood what it meant to not look at where you come from but focus on where you want to be one day. It isn’t much about the way you start the race, it is how you participate during the race and how you finish that counts the most.

I shared a couple of photos in a brief morning meeting and immediately got introduced to words that went along with how I had portrayed what I had seen miles away from the person who made the song. I got introduced to a different side of Kabomo, heard him sing as well as rap, something I didn’t know much about. I know he is huge and got humbled to see how this rapper guy had thrown himself out there so that he could be heard and do collaboration with him.

I got held up in a road block that we had feared and hoped we would avoid till we get home. I got reminded how the power of thought and tongue could help “predict” or bring into fruition what you have told yourself will happen.

Humility……

This past weekend taught me how humility could open doors for you. This reminded me that life is not a sprint but an indefinite marathon that can end at any point and in any way!

“Humble yourself all the time, but never stoop so low that people ‘mistake’ you as their door mat”

Stay true to yourself, don’t let success change the being you were initially or allow greed to overcome your innocence. We are want to be heard, we all want to be appreciated, acknowledged and commended for the good that we are. Problem lies with how go about getting all this and how we react to negative results/outcomes.

We fear rejection, we loath those who shine brighter than us without putting much of an effort, we hate asking and fear sharing, least those we share with supersedes us and outshine us.  These and many other factors determine the beings we become, these shape and moulds us to beings we never wanted to become or ever dreamed of becoming. These can either make you the exemplary being, a beacon of light and an inspiration to generations to come or they can make you but leave you feeling empty inside, with nothing to hold on to or share with those close to you.

Respect your fears, acknowledge them but never allow them to restrict you from growing and reaching your goals.

It takes guts and courage to live life and make it in life. How you define: “ I’ve made it” is entirely dependent on how one sees himself/herself in years to come, could be 2 years, could be 10, etc….Without putting  effort, all those dreams/aspirations will never come to fruition. Growth will happen physically, change will be seen and acknowledged but mentally, financially and spiritually, we would be less developed.

When you are old and grey, with your strenght failing you, how would you want to be remembered?