Did I fail myself...

“Have I failed myself or has life failed me”

There was a point in time when I wasn’t what you see me as today. A time in history where men (peers and older) would stop dead on their tracks to pass me praises, try their luck to win my heart and attention. Nowadays, they pass me over like a rag doll that has been used a dog’s play toy. Some hardly recognize me, pretend they have never known me, some point fingers and share tales of how they once took turns with me, satisfying their egos and fantasies till they couldn’t raise it no more.

The person you see today wasn’t at all a bad person, less want to know how she became the wretched creature you see today.

You have probably heard of similar stories, you probably have an idea of how this will end or how it took a turn for the worse and resulted in me becoming a drunk, a druggie, a loose woman, good for nothing except spreading her legs wide open for whoever will afford to buy her a fear bottles of alcohol to numb the pain, shut the memories out and have her floating in a dreamy world where all her wishes came true, even if it was a world that never lasted forever, at least it provided me with an escape from what I lived everyday under his roof.

You probably don’t want to hear about this because you yourself have been through similar situations or you are currently living under similar conditions. You probably don’t want to hear or read about it because of the pain it brings you knowing in the afternoon, he might come into your room in the dark, put his hands on you and tell you not to tell anyone or he will throw you out on the streets; he will tell his wife you have been seducing him and asking him to come tuck you in every night when she worked her night shifts; he will tell the family what kind of a demented child you are, always making provocative moves on him and wearing revealing clothing whenever he is around.

You probably don’t want to hear about this because of the period this has been going on for. You never knew at first, but you ended up giving in and not doing anything about it after finding out it was wrong. You feared you’d be asked: “but why didn’t you say something”…… You feared it will shatter families and shame him. You protected the monster that he has become for the sake of keeping nosy neighbors at bay, at your expense and that of the good man who knows nothing about the pain and suffering you have been through or are still going through.

“Do I deserve this”?

“Did I fail myself or has life failed me?”

“What did I do to deserve such a two faced being as a father/uncle/brother/cousin/step brother, etc?”

“Is it my fault, did I Invite this to happen to me?”

You probably have asked yourself some of these questions…you probably know someone who once asked you these questions, with eyes full of tears and pain, confusion and despair written all over her face.

You probably have heard your flat mate pray to God to forgive those who have done her wrong and heard her mention relatives you might have seen coming through to visit her during odd hours of the night/day, and saw how she became once they have left.

You probably know that smart child who went through high school and tertiary without saying much about the uncle who paid her tuition fees but no one has ever seen her at her place whenever there was a funeral.

These are all assumptions, things I think you might be aware of or know.

To you, they might be just stories, to me though; it has been a dark reality I have been living since I knew what puberty was.

To me, they have been a reality I have been subjected to since my father passed away and my step mother remarried.

To me, this has been happening for as long as I could remember, to a point where I have learnt to live with it.

At first, I would wonder why certain women drank so much, dressed so seductively, drove expensive cars and had successful careers yet failed to sustain a stable relationship. I would wonder if they might have went through the same phases of life as me, I would wonder if they also got traumatized by the molestation they went through, the repeated rapes and how families protected those who violated them.

I am a woman who gave up the fight and opted for the easy way out. I am a woman who is ashamed of what she was put through, I am a woman who cannot face herself today, let alone look into the mirror and recognize the person staring back at her. I am a woman who allowed him to throw all the punches, endured the verbal abuse, the scorn and sexual abuses daily. I am the woman who allowed her future to be trampled upon and discarded like spit in the gutter.

My time might have come and gone, my habits to shut the pain out might have consumed me and left me finding it difficult to distinguish between what is real and what was a figment of my imagination.

I am no heroin; I have no great stories to tell. I have no accolades to show off. I have no children who are proud to call me “mother”. I hardly remember what it feels like to know affection.

What I am is a woman, who was robbed of her beauty, childhood, virginity, pride and freedom to choose.

I am a half the woman I wanted to become; thanks to half the man I have come across, who’s other halves were nothing close to even being described/called human. They were all monsters, and the few with golden hearts, I have hurt, fearing they would hurt me first like the rest have done previously.

I am an empty shell of what I used to be.

 Have I failed myself or did life fail me?

Did I bring this upon myself?

There is a lot that is not right in our country, there is a lot we haven't addressed or openned up to, let alone acknowledge that it happens. Abuse knows no colour, abuse knows no financial differences, culture or religion.

Us men, are the cause of sexual abuse, us men enjoy sexual favours and think we are entitled to them at whatever time, us men are the cause of so much pain and we act/carry on as if it is a norm.

I wrote this with a lot of women in mind, strangers, close friends and family. I wrote this hoping it will encourage women all over the world to speak out, that it will encourage the few good men left out there to talk to others and try change other men's mindsets and certain believes regarding how women should be treated.

We owe it to ourselves to change the world to be what we want it to be.

You will never know the next person's pain untill it happens to you, don't wait to become a statistic before considering taking action!